Party of One

Emptied Out

2006-07-09T11:46:00.000+08:00

Feeling that frustration about my relationships...like they only want me for the good stuff. I make them feel great, enrich them, then they can leave with me still waiting for the return. I'm not doing it anymore.

Why am I the one everybody wants to cheat with?

Not needy, self sufficient, maybe?

I am letting you go for real. I can't play the games anymore because it's taking too much from me, my life, my creativity.

I am tired of being a pretty fantasy life then being left when the realness gets to be too much. There is nothing wrong with me, even when I'm angry or tell hard truths or smell in my armpits. That is humanity. If you can't handle that, don't get started in the first place.

I am praying for a place to thrive, to be fully me, to be appreciated even in my shitty moments. A place where I can jump and have a soft place to land.

I deserve so much better than this. From this day onward I demand that which I deserve.

2006-07-07T07:05:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is traditional. Without saying anything, both of you communicate with your hearts.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

GRRRR

2006-06-20T22:42:00.000+08:00

I am so damn frustrated right now. It's just all this uncertainty is really getting me down. I am broke. I want to make changes, but I'm so overwhelmed with all this stuff I want to do. I can't move until I know what's going to happen with the job. I just have to wait until other jobs contact me for interviews. I am trying SO DAMN HARD.

When is something going to break?

I want so much

2006-06-18T23:57:00.000+08:00

I want to get a job I love that's challenging.

I want people to understand me.

I want the ones that I'm interested in to notice.

I want to save the world (or at least make a contribution to saving it).

I want to thrive.

I want it all, and I don't want to apologize for that.

I want to stop feeling restless, like I do right now.

I want to be satisfied.

2006-06-16T20:40:00.000+08:00

I just realized that not only do you have the opportunity to keep in touch with all your old high school friends using these networking sites, you also have the ability to keep in touch with all your former lovers. Meaning you could hurt eachother for years and years to come.

This is not good.

Revelations

2006-06-13T03:45:00.000+08:00

I went to a big Boston hip hop show on Saturday. Some of the groups I was feeling, some I wasn't. I get this odd sort of "alone in a group" feeling when I'm at these shows. Sometimes people are friendly, sometimes they aren't. And when you're rolling solo (as I usually am) when they aren't, it can be awkward and uncomfortable.

Luckily this wasn't one of those times. Slightly uncomfortable, not awkward at all. I have to remember for the next time though to wear a hat--it seems to make me feel like I fit in better. No idea why...probably because no one can see my eyes. Incognito.

I had a moment. I was walking across the room, and a man was walking perpendicular to me. His hair was this huge mane around his head. I am familiar with his work, and admire and respect it greatly. I have the album. Our eyes met, and I felt a sort of electric current. He has a glow to me, the sort of glow I've seen on a few people but is always indicative of something great. It was a moment that, when processed, was my first revelation.

I had a great view from the upper bar, where I usually park myself at the Middle East. You have a better chance of seeing the action plus there's usually more room up there because nobody seems to notice it. All of a sudden, I felt a hard push on my back. But it wasn't a push, it was a body. The body of a man being choked by a much larger man. I was shocked and horrified, and the scene disappeared nearly as quickly as it appeared, with no security intervention. The man being choked seemed truly clueless as to why the other guy, a tall white guy with blonde dreadlocks, had gone off like that.

A fight automatically causes my entire body to tense up, putting me on guard. For what, I don't know. The bad thing about the upper bar is that there's not too many places to move in a case such as this. And there had been no metal detector at the door.

Before I had even had a chance to catch my breath from the first incident, a drink was flung and two women were wrestling madly on the floor. This one didn't end; instead going on for quite some time before security could get there. I don't know why or what it was about, but my shoulders were nearly up to my ears in tension at this point. If I HAD tried to move, I would have been smack in the middle of the fight, but the time elapsed was so short that I hadn't had time.

Security cleared things out and I wondered if I should just go home. Any feeling of safety or fun I had was gone. I was so tense. But the group I really wanted to see wasn't even on yet.

I decided to wait it out. I got close to the stage, where the lights would shine on me and I thought fights were less likely to happen. I still wasn't feeling safe, but it was a little more friendly and a lot less dark up there.

The group that I was waiting for came on, and it was sort of an instant lift. I danced and sang along, clapped and put my fist up. There was the second revelation, during the revelry.

I didn't get to stay until the end to catch the T home, and was still disturbed by the evening's events.

I woke up the next day groggy and my body was sore from tension.

Somewhere in the middle of the day, things started looking up. Maybe it was the coffee; maybe it was the big huge bottle of water I drank or the fact that the man who owns the company I did a little extra work for over 9 months ago remembered and was thrilled to see me. Maybe the spirited and amazing other employees. I don't know. But something shifted.

I used to be such a passionate activist. Never involved in any particular group, but always interested and speaking out about so many things. I've been in a long period of rest, but I think I am now ready to step back into that part of who I am. That passion and drive is something that so defines me, and I could use it so advantageously to help others, and that would help some of my feeling that my work is meaningless and worthless. So many things, and so little time, I hope will lead to a focus and purpose that I have never known before but is prodigiously powerful.

The other: men. Not so much even men, but people in my life. I have been fortunate to have deep, committed, fascinating, exciting, beautiful relationships with people, particularly men, in my life. I have discovered how much I love to have men around because I learn so much from them. But I also realize that so often I give my time and energy to people who are not filling me up but instead just want to take for themselves and not give anything to anybody else. That sort of deep relationship is a rare jewel that I should pursue relentlessly, as I do with everything else I want in my life. I want someone who is like ME, and I am more and more getting to realize how wonderful I really am and how much I have to offer. I want someone in my life like this man, who stands committedly and puts his whole self into his beliefs, but who could also commit his whole self to another person. I have never been so much the taking type. I want to give my time, my energy, my love. But the real thing has to be balanced. To have people in my life like this, whose energy and commitment inspire me, is what my revelation was. It doesn't have to be "in love" but these beautiful relationships are what I really want and deserve.

I feel somewhat elated today. The weather is beautiful and things seem to be moving in the right direction. I hope it lasts.

"My Life is all I have,
My rhymes, my pen, my pad.
I done made it through the struggle don't judge me.
Cause what you say now won't budge me.
Where I come from, so often,
People you grew up with laying in a coffin.
But I have made it through the pain and strife.
It's my time now my world my life.
My Life."

Pharoh Monch "My Life" with Styles P

Musings on a rainy day

2006-06-09T21:16:00.000+08:00

I am feeling super extra blah today and I'm not exactly sure why. The most logical guess would be the weather I suppose. I don't think it quite covers it though.

I have been trying really hard to put my faith in the Universe. In general, this is not really a struggle for me. I have, at most times in my life, gotten the things that I wanted after working really hard for them (logically). And, if I haven't gotten them, I have been able to let it go and live with that. But lately, I find this somewhat of a challenge. I have been working hard to find this new job, my next steps in the world. It has been a protracted and difficult thing, requiring a lot of work and a lot of soul searching. And so far...nothing.

On top of this, I find myself somewhat disillusioned by the state of the world. Particularly, the state of race relations in this country and the state of gender relations in this country. As much as we all work hard for equality, it seems that things are not yet equal. There is still a "less than/more than" mentality in this country that is sometimes difficult to handle.

I also had a lot of feelings about the death of terrorist Al-Zarqawi. I feel it's wrong to celebrate a death in the manner that his is being celebrated. I realize that he was a bad person who made thousands of lives miserable, but I guess I feel the more appropriate reaction is solemn relief, not visible glee. A life is a life, regardless of what it was used for or how wretched it may have been. It seems sinisterly humorous to me too that George Bush would celebrate death when he has done so much to NOT eliminate the unborn babies that women are increasingly losing their right to choose to have in this country. What makes these not even formed lives infinitely more valuable than this one evil man.

My relationships are also in transition. I had to walk away from one that I valued greatly, and I have more feelings about one that is casual. I have different feelings about being treated certain ways, more emotional reactions, than I have ever had before with my friends. I am sensitive in new ways that challenge me to maintain or cut loose the relationship; or re-rank it in my mind. I have been wanting someone around but not being able to get in touch with them, evaluating the level of trust I can have in others, learning to watch actions rather than listen to words. I feel devalued and/or underappreciated more than perhaps I ever have, but at the same time feel blessed and fortunate in different ways than I ever have before.

I am not a petty person. I treat people the way I want to be treated. I believe that what goes around comes around.

I woke up this morning and peered out between my shades to see what the weather was like. Last night I had spent considerable effort sweeping the walkway to my front door. One of my neighbors had allowed their dog to shit on it. It was right in my view first thing in the morning.

I, somewhat naively, decided to add Mos Def as a friend on my My Space page. I did it without thinking, then thought "That was stupid--I don't know Mos Def." I was delighted to find that I had been added as a friend to him a few hours later. It was then pointed out to me that his assistant probably did it. I pretended that I didn't care, but that stung a little. Of course I knew that. Did I need to hear it...not really.

I have felt like nothing lately. People talk around, over, or through me. After years of cultivating and revelling in this nothing, wishing not to be seen or heard, I am tired of it. I want to be acknowledged. I want to feel like I'm important more often. I want to be able to rely on the people in my life and be supported. I am tired. I sometimes wish I was aperson that could fall apart and stay in bed for days and not care about the rest of life but I have a firm feeling against letting anyone see me crack. So instead I just keep moving despite the weights I feel like I'm carrying right now.

I will optimistically hope that tomorrow is a sunny day.

2006-05-18T19:19:00.000+08:00

I am STILL looking for a job. It's become more okay though. I am now a Peace Corps nominee, which I am so excited about. But I'm also struggling with the next steps. I've been seriously considering moving back to Tucson, almost to the point where it's the plan and not just a consideration. I have very mixed feelings about the whole thing. I think in a lot of ways I'm over idealizing how much easier it's going to be there. I forget how much my parents make me crazy.

I've also been looking at the online journals of some acquaintances from China who are now just about to give birth to a baby. The thought is so big, I can barely even wrap my mind around it. They are about to bring another life into the world, whereas I can't even bring my life together. Frustrating, confusing, but also ripe with possibilities and hope.

Strezzed Out!

2006-04-25T23:24:00.000+08:00

I haven't been fully allowing myself to realize the extent of the stress I really feel. I've just been trying to continue moving forward and being positive and focused. My body, however, doesn't really get the concept. I keep waking up with muscle aches and tightness...stretching seems to help, but by the next morning it's back again.

Also, it seems as though during these times, I really want to reach out to somebody. IT's also during these times that everyone I know stops returning my phone calls. SO, here I am, with little to no distraction and a ton of stress to deal with. Obviously the Universe believes I can deal with things on my own, and I know I can. But I, like a small bratty child, DON'T WANT TO!!! I want someone to hold my hand and walk me where I need to go! But my mini-tantrums won't help the situation, so instead I'll deal with the real. Which is why my phone is silent right now.

2006-04-24T04:56:00.000+08:00

I feel like I'm sort of drowning in a sea of questions. I've gotten awfully good at the ambiguity aspect of life lately, after China and practically ALL the time I've spent since graduating has been sort of a big question mark--I guess you just sort of get used to it. Life, when it comes down to it, isn't ever certain despite how certain you may feel about things, or how secure they may seem.

There are so many things I want to do with my life. I have thrown all my hopes and dreams into the universe and now I'm just waiting to see what falls back down into my lap right now. IT's hard because the deadline is slowly approaching, and I really want desperately to have a clue about what my next step is.

My brain has been so full that I've been having these crazy, disturbing dreams. And all I've been wanting to sleep a lot, maybe just out of the exhaustion that comes with uncertainty. But, after my 12 hours of sleep yesterday, I feel amazingly refreshed. Ready to start all over again tomorrow. (I take weekends off, at least from the searching and applying.)

2006-04-13T23:43:00.000+08:00

I've been riding the waves of the job search, and those of life in general. You're up one day, down the next. Moments of hope mix in with moments of extreme disappointment, embarassment, or frustration. But I can proudly say that I have been busting my ass for this, I know what I want and I'm doing my best to get something that's going to take me there. I have so much STUFF out there that I wonder what exactly it is that's going to come back to me. It could be almost anything, and the prospects are exciting.

Pray for me.

Career Update

2006-03-30T22:29:00.000+08:00

I went to see my career adviser a few days ago. I walk in his office and express my frustration. What does he say?

"Your resume is terrible. That's probably why you're not getting any calls."

FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK.

I wanted to just start to cry but held it together. Actually, the entire meeting was filled with intervals when I was just holding it all together. I got some extremely valuable advice. AND I'm working on redoing my resume (not too fun, by the way. I suck at redoing my resume). My goal is to submit it back to my adviser by Friday, and work on continuing to send it out to EVERYONE at ANY JOB that I think I may be interested in starting maybe Monday or Tuesday (or as soon as he gets back to me).

I got some good feedback for my informational interviewing, which was nice, and still working on getting some more together.

Besides all that, my day started a little rough. Couldn't sleep last night, shoes that never give me blisters did today, and I have a sore in my mouth that doesn't want to die. I looked it up...you only get cold sores on the OUTSIDE of your mouth. So I'm not carrying a new, scary STD. At least SOME good news!

My secret

2006-03-27T20:17:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I hurt so much I want to escape to anywhere but here.
I'm not using my food as a comfort anymore, so figuring out how to deal isn't easy.
Gossip hurts people--remember it's not just sticks and stones that hurt.
You're right--I DID sleep with him.
And I liked it.
It was more than just a fuck.
Don't try to take my moment of connection and pleasure just because you're a depraved human being.
Don't turn my life into your tawdry amusement.
BITCH.

Caught!

2006-03-22T22:43:00.000+08:00

I have a lot on my mind right now, and one way I deal with that is by having imaginary conversations in my head. I don't actually SAY anything out loud, but I do make facial expressions that go along with that conversation. And a lot of the times, they're expressions of disbelief or anger.

I got caught twice today already. I think I better control myself from here on out.

Revisit

2006-03-22T02:42:00.000+08:00

I made the conscious decision to no longer go for the "bad boy" type of guy. It was pretty easy, after being abused and lied to for awhile, it seemed like a natural progression. I could feel the shift in me almost the instant that the decision was made. I was ready, I guess. And going out now, the guys I KNOW I would have gone for, I just in my mind say "No" and move on.

The decision sort of makes me revisit the guys that I've known forever and had an attraction to, but never really made things happen. I've got a lot of amazing men in my life and I've always been grateful for that. They're the type of men who are always there to be your strong shoulder or good time out, but have a depth of character and interest that makes them amazing companions. Some I could say I love and could be in love with someday, some are eternally plutonic. But in these situations it makes me survey the ones I've got in my corner and wonder: Could there be something more?

There's one that I've revisited constantly over the years, who straddles the good/bad line, and who I always wonder could really be what I want in a relationship. I'm trying it out again to see what happens. He's my constant flirting companion and spritual compatriot. His home is my safe haven. And I've never been hurt because I never let myself get in too deep, but I'm sinking right now. I guess we'll see if I pull myself out of it again or not. But you know I love that freefall!!

Frustration

2006-03-22T01:06:00.000+08:00

I am feeling generally aggravated right now. Job searching is not fun. Maybe I've been spoiled in this age of instant gratification, but when I apply for a job I really want to hear back soon--not weeks later. Plus I struggle with what happens next: should I do a follow up call (the answer is obviously yes)? When I do, what should I say? Should I ask for a meeting straight out, or just emphasize my interest in the position? How OFTEN should I call? I always end up feeling stupid about the whole thing. Like, should it really be this hard? How does ANYONE get a job?

I pretty much want to go home tonight and curl up on the couch and not think anything about this. Unfortunately, it seems to be permeating my mind no matter what I do to get rid of it. I'm trying to deal...although obviously not so successfully.

I'll listen to Tupac:

"Baby don't cry, Baby never give up even when the road is hard keep your head up..."

Little Brother

2006-03-15T03:19:00.000+08:00

I've been waiting for this show for months...Little Brother opening for the Dilated Peoples. I love Little Brother, particularly Phonte. I accidentally missed their last show because I forgot all about it until afterward...and I was pissed at myself then.

7:00 pm--started getting dressed, showered, etc
8:15 pm--left for the show
9:00 pm--arrived at the venue
9:01 pm--shutout when they told me the tickets sold out 20 MINUTES AGO!!!

And I thought I was early. I wanted to cry I was so disappointed. I guess I'm not meant to see Little Brother right now, after missing them twice in 2 months. Maybe they're not ready for me...

I have a headache

2006-03-09T00:53:00.000+08:00

I am on a strict cleanse. Well, at least I have been for 2 days now--no sugar, no caffeine, no sex, no drugs, vegetables at every meal, tons of water, don't forget the green tea, no meat, no alcohol... I still haven't lost any damn weight! Now, I know 2 days isn't a lot but STILL!!! Little ideas about donuts, coffee, chocolate, muffins keep floating through my head. I need the scale to move so I can be motivated. I realized, though, that I've only been hitting about 1000-1200 calories a day...barely enough to even keep me alive for christ's sake! Better start chowing down on all those delicious raw veggies and add some carbs in there.

I developed a headache along with the cleanse. It never even occurred to me that it could be withdrawal until a co-worker suggested it...DUH! I don't drink coffee every day but I most definitely eat sugar every day...I guess my head misses it. I hope it goes away soon...my head feels sort of like it weighs 800 pounds. And the little image of a cup of coffee keeps swimming around in there. Be strong!

2006-03-06T09:08:00.000+08:00

I have furniture.

I am so happy.

It no longer echoes in here when I talk.

Now I want a pet.

That is all.

Embarassing things I got caught doing today in my cubicle

2006-03-01T23:24:00.000+08:00

1. picking my teeth
2. applying makeup
3. text messaging/ answering the phone
4. playing games online
5. home manicure with no tools
6. dozing off
7. rearranging the tampons in my drawer
8. reading an article about sex
9. writing in my blog
10. flossing
11. playing with my nose ring

This is why everyone deserves an office.

Never Date a Famous Person

2006-03-01T23:16:00.000+08:00

Well, I can't call what we did dating. It was a flirtation. We met at a show with me talking shit...typical. I acted like an ass, made fun of him, didn't realize who the hell he was, and generally was a loudmouth. He asked for my number. Then I saw him on stage with some legendary performers. And then, I got it.

Fast forward to 3 days later when I called him and left a message. A month later, he deemed it time to return the call. He had been in Europe, he said. I could handle that reason. We made plans for the following Saturday.

I waited. And waited. Around midnight, I went to sleep.

Weeks passed. I was at a show one night and boom, there he was, right in front of me. I played it off "What were you doing, crying into your pillow?" but maybe he was just afraid I was going to go psycho on him. I walked away irritated. Later I found out he's married. I've seen him around a couple other times.

I've had his music on my MP3 player for a long time. I read about him a lot, randomly, on the websites I frequent to find out about local shows. Sometimes I want to spill the beans but I figure what's the point? I don't like to tell other people's dirty secrets, and that's not my place anyway. Sometimes it's just sort of an intricate kind of torture to hear about someone that hurt you, especially in such a positive light. Like maybe if everybody was saying "What an asshole" it would be easier; although I think just hearing the name is enough to get that little tinge of hurt.

Local legend = bad news

Fatherly love

2006-02-28T03:13:00.000+08:00

Today the train was seriously delayed. I'm not sure what happened exactly (maybe it was the sub-zero temperatures) but one train came, and it was packed. The conductor claimed there was one right behind that one; 15 minutes later another train came that was, of course, also packed. Then 2 followed in close proximity. Essentially I had to wait for 4 trains before I could get on one. Luckily the station I go to is indoors

I watched a father and his 2 young sons come in as I was waiting. They probably got there some time a little after the first train had departed. They were such a cute trio--matching black puffy jackets and Tims. The father just held them and poked at them and laughed with them in the most gentle and loving way.

I watched them together. We all got on the same train, and the little boys sat in seats and struggled to keep their eyes open while the father just looked after them and poked at their hands and stomachs to keep them awake.

I've never felt much of an urge to have my own kids. I have a passing fantasy sometimes when I was dating someone special of us taking our kids to the park, or maybe even what they would look like. But that "biological clock" phenomenon I have never experienced. But in those moments of watching that father with his children, I suddenly knew what it meant to want children of my own.

And it scared me.

Diet, Day 1

2006-02-22T04:33:00.000+08:00

I ate 10 fun size Butterfingers.

This is not off to a good start.

New York City

2006-02-22T04:30:00.000+08:00

I went to New York this weekend and was, as always, struck by how much I love it there. It's sort of like my own personal DisneyWorld. But with a whole bunch of bars and Mickey may be replaced by a wino. Whatever...

I started to think seriously about moving there. And looking into it a little bit too... I would so love to be immersed in this place that is always going, going, going. The idea is so intriguing.

C could be a New Yorker--nice idea!

2006-02-16T04:38:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling really down lately. I lost my grandmother a few weeks ago, and feeling disappointed in love and job hunting. Fighting to stay awake at work and really just wishing I could spend a few weeks in bed. Trying to get excited about things is hard now. But the music's still good.

In my Ear

2006-02-16T04:36:00.000+08:00

Common (with Badu singing in background)]
Yeah.. wanna feel the vi-ah-hi-hibe
Wanna feel the vibe, wanna feel the vi-ibe!
Uhhh.. wanna, what? Yeah
Wanna, what? Uhh, yeah (come on)
Every-bod', c'mon, uhh
Yo, yo.. (all night long)

[Common]
Durin divine hours, I use mind power to refine
flour/flower girls, and make em feel like black pearls
Get they minds off acryllic nails and the rap world
It's a lot you can find in the lost black girl
Made signs built in lodges, we be in garages
Discussin who we boned and who God is
Pro-black like Craig Hodges with my dashikis in the cleaners
I kick it for the Chevy ridin head to backstreet leaners

[Erykah Badu (with Common)]
Allllll.. (uhh) niiiiiight.. (yea yea, what?) [HAH]
Allllll.. [HUH, UHH] niiiiiight.. (whatcha say now Bee, what?)
Allllll.. (yeah, yeah yeah) niiiiiight.. [AOW! Aoww-owwww]
(to freak it with the) Allllll.. (now let me get a piece of this)
(let me get a piece Bee) niiiiiight..

[Common]
Check it, check it
I was born underwater with three dollars and a cocktail
Tryin to make the Garden of Eden, out of Auckdale and Rockwell
Lock'd in this Grid like a Tupac tale
While her-on rock smells make the cops tail
My third eye is my rail, on this L of thought
With afrocentric stamps I'm mailin thoughts
to my Gods held in court
I dwell where rebellion's taught, and emotions seldom walk
I try to Walk Like an Egyptian, but Hieroglyphics fail to talk
I guess the hustlin is the unspoken Gospel
Love that I'm an apostle, feel the holy spirit of Chicago
E Bottom, here's the bottle
I think I, need a cup of a tea, because I'm novel
(come on bay-bayyy) Bust it

[Erykah Badu]
Iahhhhh jus' wanna rock you
Alllllll night looooong
Allllllll (come on bay-bayyy)
All night long.. all night long..
All night long.. on and on and on and onnnn (come on bay-bayyy)
Iahhhhh jus' wanna rock you (all night long)
Alllllll night looooong (all night long)
Allllllll (on and on and on and onnnn) [HAH, UH-HUH]
Iahhhhh (all night long) jus' wanna rock you (all night long)
Alllllll night looooong (all night long)
{what? yo-yo, yo-yo yo-yo check it, check it}
On and on and on and onnnn

[Common]
A portrait of the Artist, formerly known as Sense
The brain-wash, with my vocal tones I rinses
Opportunity and the beat knocks
Women, give me rhythm like beatbox, but it's the year
of completion, I want a Queen to complete Rash'
who's flavored from stacks, to Reeboks
Send blessings to the family of Ice Mike
Shit like that, don't help me write right, but I got site/sight
like a destruction worker, when it's time to build
Get off like Sam Jack' and it's +Time to Kill+
In perseverence I'ma find a meal, and provoke
My Gramps used to trick off big papers at the Riverboat
It go..

[Erykah Badu (with Common)]
Allllll.. niiiiiight.. all night
Allllll.. niiiiiight.. you got it goin all night
Allllll.. niiiiiight.. y'know, y'know it all night
Allllll.. niiiiiight.. oahahhhoahhohhhhhh (yea, yeah)

[Erykah Badu]
Iahhhhh jus' wanna rock you (one more time)
Alllllll night looooong, oahhhhohhh (ebb in feelings)
Iahhhhh jus' wanna rock you (I ain't sleeping)
Alllllll night looooong (all night long)
On and on and on and onnnn

[Common]
Check it
I walk downtown to tempos and never lose the beat
Some people got ignorance confused with bein street
on the, street of desire my body and soul meet
Arguin over thick broads and meals with no meat
Had the cold feet for a second
Mega-niggaz in my box throwin suggestions
Had me checkin myself and double checkin, I popped the +Resurrection+
In the mirror I only heard my reflection
Let me hold mics, while you hold dicks and CD collections
And at MusicLand and Coop's, we can make connections
I meditate with confidence, to not chomp on cents
Outspoken like 30's but yet I guard my lips
Writin niggaz with stripes, I hold posture with
Poppin shit to fat broads, wearin os-trich
Givin em voicemail, tracks are like County
To them I voice-jail/gel, if you believe in Heaven
why is the choice Hell? Why is this choice Hell?
Why is this choice Hell?

[Erykah Badu]
Iahhhhh jus' wanna rock you
Alllllll night looooong, oahhhhohhh (keep goin)
Iahhhhh jus' wanna rock you (keep goin, keep goin, keep on)
(and don't you give up) Alllllll night looooong (ah keep on, ah keep on)
Ooahhhoahhhhh (ah keep on, ah keep.. ah don't you give up)
Iahhhhh (all night long) jus' wanna rock you (all night long)
Alllllll night looooong (if you want it you can have it lay upon my rest)
On and on and on and onnnnnnnnnn (keep it goin baby)
(if you want it you can have it lay upon my rest)
Iahhhhh jus' wanna rock you (all night long)
Alllllll night looooong (if you want it you can have it lay upon my rest)
(all night long) On and on and on and onnnnnnnn

Alllllll (if you want it you can have it lay upon my rest) niiiiiiiight
Alllllll (and if you want it you can have it lay upon my rest) niiiiiiight
Alllllll niiiiiiiiight
Alllllll niiiiiiiiight
Alllllll niiiiiiiiight
Alllllll (don't stop now) niiiiiiiiight (no no no, no, uh-uh)
Alllllll (you bet' not stop) niiiiiiiiight
Alllllll niiiiiiiiight

Yeahhhhhh.. Common Sense, and Baduuuu

Party of Two

2006-02-11T01:27:00.000+08:00

My friend K was allowing me to ruminate fully on my singlehood/aloneness the other day. I appreciate how she listens. I enjoy being alone very much, often fully in fact. I love it and have a great time being alone. But, in complete juxtaposition, I have a deep need to NOT be alone, to find a partner, and to have a constant, loving man in my life. That urge comes frequently but is usually in and out of my mind quickly.

I am fully aware of my choice to be alone. I sometimes make it even when I don't intend to. I fear I may have just made that choice with someone who was actually very good to me. That's an only-time-will-tell sort of situation.

The aloneness becomes more and more comfortable to me. I desire to travel alone, have meals alone, go out alone...I've embraced aloneness so much that I believe maybe I've gone overboard.

I'm considering renaming this site "Party of Two" to start to embrace that idea a little more. I'm thinking about it...

Struggle

2006-01-27T01:30:00.000+08:00

I am struggling through yet another day at work. I am undergoing computer training this afternoon which will hopefully at least keep my hands a little more busy and keep the temptation away from doing things I shouldn't do on the Internet (such as writing in my blog).

I've been struggling to get through this depression that seems to have set in. Maybe it's just the January Blues, but it's been really difficult to shake. I just crave a change. Looking for a new job feels hopeless and I sort through this pantheon of jobs I'm either under- or over-qualified for. I feel the frustration of not knowing exactly what I want, and of opportunities that seem golden falling through. I'm fighting a variety of ideas and imaginings of what my future may hold. I guess it's hard sometimes to know your own potential, but I picture something and I'm not really sure how to get to that point. I want to make myself amazing but the path isn't clear.

I'm also craving someone to share all this with, to accompany me through all this stuff. I feel so lonely sometimes, and it can get overwhelming. I sometimes make calls just to have someone to talk to, and hang up feeling empty. I feel that I have a lot of things together: I'm stable, financially independent, intelligent, accomplished--now where is that person to walk alongside me? All you can really do is keep on moving forward and working and trust that that person is going to appear at the right time. But I'm not really the waiting type of person.

I have faith that it's all going to work out for the best. But in the meantime, I'm just trying to pull myself out of the doldrums and enjoy what I've got going on right now. Even if I am bored.

2006-01-25T06:29:00.000+08:00

I met one of the artists on Saturday night. It was the end of the night, I hit the bathroom before I left (essential after a night of drinking! don't want to end up peeing out the side of a cab). I fetched my coat and was putting it on when this guy starts talking to me. I had felt the music they were putting on and I told him so, so he hooked me up with their cd. He asked for my number, and made sure I had his too. When I got home, I called him and we chatted for awhile.

So, I called today to say what's up. I had listened to the disc. To be honest, I wasn't all that impressed. The lyrics were meaningless and the beats were so electronic they sounded like shit. But hey, I saved $7 or something...might as well say what's up right? The guy's all awkward on the phone. "Who's this?" I told him, and laughed "you didn't save my number? I feel that right in the ego." "I'll call you back" he says and hangs up.

Okay...

He calls back to explain that he has a girlfriend, he is so so sorry, he was just drunk and rude when he met me, he's so, so sorry, blah blah blah. I was sort of like hey, that's cool, I didn't plan our wedding yet...thanks for being honest. All the blood rushed to my face. He got off the phone as fast as possible. I ended up feeling like a big ass. I did pursue a dead end..and the brush off wasn't personal. I'm not sure why it feels so shitty and frustrating. But it does.

Get me out of this freakin house.

"Valentine's Day Specials"

2006-01-21T02:33:00.000+08:00

I got the email and I couldn't help but click. It's wrong, but I couldn't help it. And I know it's stupid that Valentine's Day makes me feel bad. Well, maybe bad is not the right word. More like it allows me to click into the feeling of emptiness that I have because I don't have a partner in life. And I'm lonely. I realize Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday created in consumerism, but I still want that feeling of togetherness and companionship, and I don't have it. It just sort of magnifies the fact. It's like a little post-it that says "You're Single and Alone."

St. Valentine strikes again.

2006-01-20T04:36:00.000+08:00

I still can't believe he listens to me. He's a sort of a man/child type, and he'd probably scare you if you met him in a dark alley. He usually wears all black, oversized clothes, gangsta style. He's got intricate braids usually covered by a doo-rag and a black beanie cap with a brim on it. Something always seems to be falling off him--his pants, his backpack, his coat--but he never loses anything that way. Mostly he just misplaces things.

His face is indicative of his man/child status, innocent but tough. His skin is brown and flashes in the light of his emotions but he glows from the inside. His teeth are the most perfect teeth I've ever seen, white and straight, until you look a little closer and see just a tiny hairline fracture right in the front right one. He wishes he could take my eyes and put them in his head but instead he keeps his own, dark, slightly haunted. His body is lithe and lean with scars different places--he won't tell you the stories of where they came from. I keep asking though, until I get an answer.

I feel sort of motherly toward him. But he's sort of fatherly to me too. I tell him he's too good to do stupid things; he gives me advice about the problems I have. Neither of us really understand where the other is coming from, but we can laugh together. And we both listen, even although sometimes I tell him to shut up he never tunes me out. He's started to call everyday even though he says he doesn't want a girlfriend. I call him to wake him up before his tests at school.

I can't believe he listens.

2006-01-18T04:14:00.000+08:00

I have found that following my heart is not as easy now as it once was. Perhaps it is the layers to issues I see now which I used to not see--makes things more complicated. Maybe it's just part of getting older. Things are definitely not so simple now though. I have so many ideas flying around and I can't make up my mind about anything, although I did make a list of the characteristics of my current "Ideal Job". Here they are:

1. live abroad 50%+ of the time, but not 100%--traveling back to the US periodically is a necessity.
2. opportunities to do additional travel
3. job should involve helping people, particularly women/minorities/low income/developing nations
4. casual office environment
5. will allow me to further my education, both financially and with supportive environment
6. challenging
7. work with public figures
8. get paid well so I can live comfortably
9. Do something that I feel is changing the world for the better

Next I need to work on my list for an "Ideal Man."

In a funk

2006-01-16T02:00:00.000+08:00

I talked to my old friend J last night. I was napping when she called but I answered anyway. I don't deny the fact that I have been in a funk for awhile. I came back from China, couldn't find a job, was seriously ill, went into debt paying my medical bills, found a job that was less than desirable, haven't heard from my boyfriend in 4 months, got stood up several times recently, work practically non-stop...How thrilled would you be with life at the moment? I'm working on things, trying to look for the next opportunity...but NO, things ARE NOT GREAT!!!

So, J asked how things were and I told her. I'm working hard to find a new job and try to determine my next step, but things take time. I can't describe my everyday attitude in life(I try to have lots of fun doing stupid stuff) all she asked me is what's going on. And I told her.

She proceeded to suggest that I was always down on my life in what felt like a sort of backhanded remark. I thought we were supposed to be friends who support eachother. Instead, I felt judged. It was sort of like being slapped in the face. Sometimes I need someone to listen and understand; although it may be easier to judge or comment, that's not what I need.

I didn't skip a beat but I also was left with a bad taste in my mouth.

Frustrated.

New England Roasters French Roast

2006-01-16T01:56:00.000+08:00

I bought the blackest coffee EVER...BLACK!!! Black like oil. Black like Guinness.

I love me some black ass coffee.

2006-01-13T04:35:00.000+08:00

I saw a man that looked vaguely familiar to me the other day on the train. In those dingy, rundown Blue Line cars I sat near the window. On the packed train he and his girlfriend ended up sitting next to me, in the moments when I craved silence, and argued the entire way to my stop. I turned the music in my headphones up, but I still caught snippets..."$4,000"..."Shut up, I heard you say that 10 times already"..."Money"..."Enough"...all while she ate Chicken McNuggets slurpily next to me and he clumsily balanced a blue camoflauge backpack. I couldn't place him, but I certainly wished that he was placed elsewhere.

I made my way to work the next morning with the usual buoyancy of listening to my favorite tunes at full blast and feeling like I'm looking good. I have to transfer trains, and as I waited I observed a man circulating to other waiters, saying something and moving on. He approached me. The second I looked into his eyes I realized he had worked at my second job several times.

I turned the volume down.."homeless in Boston trying to gather some spare change for a hot meal and a train ride out of town."

I said "I'm sorry" because I didn't have any change to spare. But I'm still haunted by someone in my position who is now in his position. A simple missed paycheck or injury and that could be many of us. Still thinking about it...

The Goodness of Humanity

2006-01-09T04:14:00.000+08:00

I got stood up AGAIN last night. For the third time in the last 3 months. If there's something I hate, it's being left waiting. I have limited amounts of free time and if I'm going to devote some of it to someone, I expect them to show up! It's funny that the third time didn't sting as much as the first. I'm wondering--can you grow accustomed to getting stood up? The 10th time, will it be like second nature?

I'm wondering what it is exactly that I'm doing wrong. We have already met in person so obviously it has nothing to do with being disappointed with looks or something stupid like that. We made specific plans involving a specific time, day, and place. This has turned into a pattern and I'm ready to break it.

Also, it's been over 12 hours since the standup and he still hasn't called. The last 2 times the guy called near or soon after the standup to either explain or break plans. This time...nothing. To me, immediately forgiveness with no call follows if he's dead, or if he or a family member was in a serious accident...there are probably more forgiveness options. Otherwise, call if you're not going to make it, preferably several hours in advance.

Which leads me to my title. Is this really what the world is coming to: no manners, no consideration for others. I want so much to have someone here for me and to be there for them, to know them through and love them anyway, and I meet a lot of great people, but nobody wants the same thing with me. The ones that I feel are well suited to the job are few and far between. I'm tired of being disappointed by people, of making excuses for someone or listening to the ones they create, and of dealing with the hurt that follows. My faith that humanity is basically good has been chipped away at and I'm grasping to keep that belief alive. In the meantime, the phone still hasn't rung.

Things I learned about myself this year (but mostly just this week)

2006-01-04T02:07:00.000+08:00

1. Fight or flight? I will most definitely fight. I never would have expected that out of myself...NEVER
2. Even though I pride myself on being honest, sometimes I still try to manipulate. And I don't like it.
3. Hormones rule.
4. I am more lonely than I thought
5. I can overcome almost any obstacle.
6. I have discovered my inner neat freak.
7. Tunnel vision is chronic in me--and that leads to my impatience and sometimes my frustration
8. I like hot weather better than cold but I look better in cold weather than in hot
9. Aging scares me
10. When I don't follow my heart I don't feel good
11. Following your heart seems to be harder with age
12. I am personally responsible for the people I choose to have in my life
13. Men can be your friends
14. Grey areas seem to get wider...I am starting to see the complexities in issues
15. Even with the complexities there are some things I still don't understand
16. I have a fear of commitment
17. I choose to be alone
18. I don't have a direction clearly mapped for the first time ever and that is difficult for me to take
19. "Goes with the flow" does not describe me
20. I am a risk taker
21. I like dangerous men, and I'm not sure if I like that about myself

There are certainly other things, but that's what comes to mind right now. I guess every year is sort of a journey further and further into our own hearts and minds, and this one certainly took me deeper.

2006-01-01T01:12:00.000+08:00

I went to Arizona for the holidays and it was wonderful. I questioned whether or not it would even be worth it, considering the fact that Thanksgiving, although good, was also hectic and the travel was nearly impossible. But I flew overnight which I guess minimized the crowds. And Marcus Banks was on my plane I'll take that.

I forget sometimes how slow paced Tucson can be. IT's just sort of relaxed, slow driving, slow walking, slow checkout... I feel like all I did was eat there. The diet starts now.

I also had a healing session that wasn't so easy to deal with. Usually it's about dealing with painful issues, don't get me wrong. But this time it was about how I'm manipulating...and I did not want to talk about it. The good thing? I'm getting closer to that feeling of emptiness that is so difficult to have. But the cognitive dissonance between thinking I'm not a game player and the fact that I'm playing games...not nice.

Now I'm back in Boston, and it's New Year's Eve, and I will probably stay home and have a lovely time. I just slept for 12 hours!

Bled dry

2005-12-23T04:21:00.000+08:00

He called this morning after 3 days. After I had to send a message saying "CALL me." After I had that nightmare that I started to wonder if it actually were true. After the frustration, he finally called.

The conversation went on easily. That's not all that unusual, but not all that usual either. It becomes awkward after it's been days of not talking, wondering what secrets are being kept while also keeping your own secrets.

We hung up and the doubt started to creep in. He must be seeing someone else. It was really the only explanation. And I started to think...to really think.

Just give me my money back and let's be done with it.

But it wasn't only the money I'd given. It was my time, my affection, my attention, my thoughts...and he picked away a little bit without rebuilding. Rebuilding was left to me really, after he's gone.

Why does it go this way?

So often I feel that someone is looking for that certain piece of who I am or what I can give, once they get it they walk away with it and leave me standing there, still waiting for the piece that will replace it. My puzzle has been shattered and now I have to start again, not from scratch, but with shattered parts to be rebuilt.

I'm a stone wall with a brick missing. I'm teetering but I'll never fall apart. Instead, I take the pieces and reinvent a house, a bridge, a well, a sculpture. I glint with light even when I hurt, even when I'm cut deep or someone trys to push me over. Take my parts and I come back stronger, more beautiful. But with a little more grit.

2005-12-07T22:33:00.000+08:00

I met him at his mother's house. He had a self-imposed house arrest on, seeing as he had beef with a couple of guys who had been hanging around the neighborhood. "You can come here, but I can't get on the bus...it's not worth my life," he said quite unromantically. I furrowed my brow but kept quiet and just cuddled next to him on the couch. I quite enjoyed his analysis of America's Next Top Model, with hints of consideration that usually only a woman would make which made me laugh hard on the outside but harder on the inside--Bree is his favorite too. I said Jayla is from my hometown. "Denver?" he said. No, Tucson.

The tension eased as we watched last week's football highlights and I scratched between his braids. I like to be in the quiet with him. His friend headed over and they got into a vivid discussion of their company Christmas party the night before. At first I listened with vague disgust at the fact I was left out of the festivities and of the conversation but I realized quickly that a woman's opinion was desperately needed in their frame of mind. They talked about how people acted and what they did, who they brought.

"If I was going to bring anybody she's be a white 20 cent...she'd have to look good and act right." his friend said. "She couldn't be black?" I asked. "You don't understand," he said." I could bring you, not just because you're white. It's how you act, how you dress." "Yeah, she would have to be white because of all those white rich girls we work with," his friend chimed in.

"So I'm a status symbol."

"You got it exactly right."

I mulled it over while they continued pontifercating. I started to sip tequila.

We got up to leave. He was supposed to stay over, and I was happy about that. It had been weeks alone in bed. I hate to be alone in bed. Especially in the winter.

At my house, we laughed and listened to MY kind of hip hop. His friend was visibly impressed but I was ready for him to go.

"Oh shit, I forgot my work clothes!" he said.

I tried to convince him to get up early, I needled and caressed, but he wouldn't budge. "I'm sorry boo!" he said. His friend conveniently disappeared for a moment and we stepped into my walk-in closet for a few minutes.

Emerging slightly mussed, I said "Are you still coming tomorrow?" "Just because I got my fix, you think I'm not coming?" he asked.

It stopped me dead in my tracks. Did I really think all I was good for was sex? Why in God's name had I thought there was any reason he wasn't coming? I was haunted by wonder about why I was thinking like that immediately...was it me, or was it him?

2005-11-20T23:24:00.000+08:00

I haven't been here awhile. I've been so damn busy working my 2 jobs, it's hard to keep up with any writing. I'm sort of half-assing the things I actually WANT to do, which is unfortunate.

I'm seriously sprung over a 21 year old man I met. I feel somewhat embarassed by the fact--I guess because he's so young, but there's something about him that I can't resist. The chemistry. He has started to have power over me--I'm starting to care about him--and that is scary to me. Trying to just roll with the punches and not get too out of control...but I want to be with him all the time! Why do I feel like I'm 12 sometimes?

The Job

2005-10-05T02:05:00.000+08:00

I accepted a long term temp job yesterday. I'm not exactly thrilled about the whole thing, I'll be honest. The job sounds okay, the people are nice. It's just all so vanilla. I don't like an environment where I can't say "fuck" regularly. I know it's a strange requirement for a job, but that's just the place that I fit. I don't want to say fuck AT anyone, just in general. This place has a cold professionalism, which on the one hand is nice because you don't have to worry about appropriateness, but on the other hand is just really freakin boring.

I had 2 interviews with 4 different people to get this job. I'll be making $15 an hour. It seemed more than a little crazy to me. I mean, how serious is it REALLY? I'll be answering the damn phone for christ's sake. BUT I guess all they want to know is that I'll stick around and that I'm personable. And they seemed so excited to have me, which was nice. Oh well...guess it's something for now. The money is an essential! Money! Money! MONEY!!!

I liked him so much I don't even want to talk about it.

2005-10-05T02:01:00.000+08:00

Seriously. It was THAT good.

2005-09-30T21:05:00.000+08:00

Am I just spinning my wheels?
Am I invisible?
Will all this work actually LEAD to something?
What can MAKE it lead to something?
Where are my people?
Why can't I find them?
Will they ever show up for me?
Can I get what I want?
How long should I wait for it?

Am I just spinning my wheels?

Will you marry me?

2005-09-23T21:06:00.000+08:00

I talked to my "boyfriend's" cousin last night. I had talked to him a few weeks ago--they periodically call to make sure I'm still on board I guess. To check up, see what's going on, make sure I'm not cheating. I told him, straight out: according to me, when you haven't heard from someone for a month plus, you aren't still together. I don't care how loyal you are. Have some freakin self respect! The only possible exception I can see is if you've discussed this lack of calling/emailing/writing/telepathically contacting in advance and have agreed on the terms. Plus, if he's that concerned, shouldn't the "BOYFRIEND" call? Come on!

So he called--"Are you feeling better?" meaning did I listen to the crap he spewed about how Africa is so difficult to make money, make a call, etc. I guess they don't have paper there either. Right...

It immediately goes into "We want you to bring him to America." Listen, I'm barely convinced he's not a dirty bastard--how much effort am I going to make? Sure, I love him, sure I want him to be happy--but it's not exactly convincing that he wants more than a greencard out of me when that's all he wants to talk about.

Note: if that's what you want, be a little more manipulative.

Being in Your Hometown

2005-09-23T02:14:00.000+08:00

you have some truly embarassing run-ins. Mostly, I didn't see anyone that I remembered or that remembered me. There was one distance recognition in the mall, but that was only a passing moment in hours of time spent in public. Everyone I knew from back then has moved away, gotten married or at least engaged, and lost touch.

I had a rather embarassing prescription to drop off. I won't go into details at this time--maybe later. I was in a rush anyway because family was lurking and I just wanted to think about this as little as possible. I approached the pharmacy window and was greeted by a familiar face.

This woman had been a friend of mine briefly in high school, and we had always been friendly. I was sort of excited, with a "Hey! How are you?" She responded with a sort of lukewarm hello. I wasn't sure if she didn't recognize me or just didn't want to cross professional boundaries. I felt somewhat humiliated as I handed the prescription over, and felt more than a little slighted about not being acknowledged. In addition to being an embarassing prescription, I was also getting it for free with a pharmaceutical company assistance program for low income people. So, not only do I have an embarassing disease, I am also poor and, as far as she knows, still living with my parents.

She was wearing an engagement/wedding ring. I really wanted to ask but the question remained: had she recognized me or not? Then the clincher--the voucher for the free drugs was left behind, and she had to call me to tell me that I had left it. So I had to return--AGAIN--to face this person who may/may not remember who the hell I am after being my friends for 4 years of high school.

Beautiful.

I turned 25 a week ago.

2005-09-13T06:15:00.000+08:00

It was significantly less life-shattering than I expected. Generally my birthdays are this time of great introspection and examination of my life; this one I guess
I had already gotten all that out of the way and I was just ready to go to the next thing... which is exactly where I am now. I am just yearning, longing, praying for something to happen. I feel as though I'm just waiting...and waiting...and where the hell is it? I'm not sure what that next thing is. I think I will start my own business, start singing somewhere for something. I want that next great relationship that will shatter the earth and change who I am. I want to step into and utilize the power that I feel brewing and spiraling inside of me.

I feel like I'm just living for that next phone call, that next email, just to keep me going on my current path. I've got this restlessness that can only be quenched by words from my loved ones. I'm living on a steady died of Common, Anthony Hamilton, and John Legend. I'm realizing and appreciating the men that I DO have in my life that I'm close to. I've never been mature enough in the past to have non-sexual non-romantic relationships with men, and it's a beautiful thing. These HAVE been relationships that changed who I am, what I want, what I appreciate, and made me realize that people do indeed love me. You CAN be close to a man. I've never felt this sort of oneness with other people. When you get through what people are willing to show on the outside, you get to the core of who they are, that has become the most wonderful gift in my life.

All these things are just aching to get out. I want my creative outlet and my ideal job to fall into my lap right now so I can get started on them. I feel like I'm treading water and just wishing WISHING for that hook to come pull me out and take me to my next destination. I haven't been able to get the words for that book I'm envisioning onto paper or to get the clothing I want made into reality. All I have are these feelings and this WANT to move on, for something to happen, for the next place to go.

Is this my only story?...my life story?

2005-09-13T00:28:00.000+08:00

I am getting really tired of my only story being "I was in China for the last year. I also went to Nepal and Tibet." I feel like people look at me and think that that's all I'm about, and it's starting to get really irritating. I'm tired of showing my photos to someone only half-way listening after they asked enthusiastically to see them. They all have the same thing to say:

"Wow...how was that?"

Like I can summarize an entire year of harrowing, fascinating, disgusting, beautiful and amazing difficulty into a few words. Maybe some people could do that with the last year of their lives; I certainly can't. The complexities of what's happened are too much, and I feel like they're trivialized every time someone asks me to do that.

Maybe it's just that people think of it like a vacation, not that this was actually my REAL LIFE. I didn't just sight see the surfaces of modern China, instead I was in the trenches living the life of a Chinese. Probably most people haven't had that experience of living abroad, maybe that's why they can't get why it's so much bigger than few words can describe.

A lot of people seem to see innate danger everywhere in the world besides the US. That I don't quite understand either. Yes, I was a target for scam artists and hustlers; no one I knew ever got held up at gunpoint or kidnapped for ransom. Yes, there was tons and tons of censorship and omission in the news and online, and certainly people weren't able to know all the things about their country and government; couldn't that be said about our own nation?

"Aren't you glad to be back in the US?"

I was, at first. The comfort and familiarity of this place will never again be lost on me. But, at the same time, there is an innate disacknowledgement about who I am in this question. I am restless and ready for my next trip at the same time I'm happy and comfortable to be in the US. The US certainly isn't perfect either, although I at least know a little bit more about what to expect. I have become accustomed, at the same time, to living a life where I have only a passing knowledge about what is happening around me and having to cut my own path every single day. The adjustment to the ease is in itself a huge challenge. My answer "Well, in a way yes in a way no" just leads to blank looks and confusion, which at this time I'm not sure I could counteract; instead I just say "Of course" and smile blandly.

I am something else besides my world travels and experiences. That's what I did/do, not who I am. I wish people would ask specific questions about what they want to know instead of broad open ended sorts of trails of questions with no good answers, and I'm not sure what my next reaction is going to be. I am feeling the longing to push on while at the same time feeling the yearn to create something at home that I own and belong to. I want someone to wake up with every day while also wanting to experience the many people out there in the world. I feel a little like the object of a fetish who only gets seen on the surface while there's a wealth of information underneath that that the objector doesn't even care to see.

I am a person, not a travel.

Sluggish

2005-08-27T00:12:00.000+08:00

I am feeling very low energy today. I spent last night watching the last episode of Six Feet Under, which I loved but felt sad to see it go. I came home feeling exhausted and went straight to bed. Then the garbage man woke me up at about 6 am, and I went back to sleep. Everyone knows that's a recipe for disaster. Now all I want to do is eat. I've already put back some Wheat thins, sharp cheddar, 3 glasses of water, some no sugar added vanilla ice cream and some blackberries. I've been up for 3 hours!!! Now I really want a burrito. And a diet Coke as big as my head.

I can barely keep my eyes open.

2005-08-26T00:17:00.000+08:00

I went to the show, and had a great time. Shoutout to Stone!!!

I've never seen anybody rap live. I know that it's heinously wrong considering what a fan I am, but I just never did it. I loved the energy, the flow. I will definitely do it again.

The worst part was thinking about it. Once I got there, it was a great time. I was't alone anymore...

Then I missed the last T. That's when the fun began. I'm absolutely broke at this time, so I didn't want to take a taxi. 1:00 am, decided to walk home. I was on the phone with a friend, who said he was coming to pick me up. Of course I wanted him to, but I kept saying No, No, No...then I said okay. I made my way from North Station to Boston Common while he was on his way.

It's funny the way people look at you when it's the middle of the night and you're walking alone. I was no longer the sexy yet classy woman I would normally categorize myself as...all of a sudden I was probably a prostitute hood rat to most of the people passing by. No problems most of the way...

My friend was about 1 minute away from where I was when this guy pulled over in a taxi and started shaking money at me. What, am I supposed to run for it? Who shakes money out of their taxi door! He tried to get me to come over, I was like "Hell NO!!!"

I was on the phone when he got out of the car. He smelled like booze and looked in rough shape. He tried to get closer and closer until I told him I needed a little more space than that. Do people seriously think you're going to get into a car with a stranger? That's what he was after, until he realized it wasn't going to happen. Then the racial slurs began...

I've never been called a cracker before. I have been told that I think that I'm better than everybody else. It didn't really hold much weight, but it was just strange. I kind of know, in some way, what it's like to be a minority now. I lived in China for a year, and there sure as hell weren't any other white folks out there. But I have no idea what it's like in the US, and it's probably completely different here. This is the ONLY time I've ever been racially slurred in the US. (it happened all the time in China...they called us white/foreign devils in Chinese).

All I have to say is the guy who came to pick me up went WAY up in the rankings...a virtual stranger got up out of bed and picked my sorry ass up. It was sweet.

First times for everything!

Haozu

2005-08-24T23:17:00.000+08:00

Haozu was our sort of translator/assistant/manslave in China. He worked about 25 hours a day for the company and for us and for pretty much anybody who came around it seemed like. He was a little taller than I am...probably about 5'8'' and about as skinny as a pole. You would rarely see him without a cigarette in his mouth. He was 26 years old but had this air and some of the wrinkles of someone much older than him, sort of a deeper intelligence that just ran through everything around him, but his eyes were those of a boy. When he talked, you just wanted to listen. Maybe it was the Chinese accent that forced you into it, or the low volume of his voice, but when he talked I felt like it enveloped me and I was just drawn in until it was just him and me and the words we spoke.

The company started to go under and Haozu didn't get paid for about 6 months. This doesn't seem to be uncommon in China...it causes everyone to lose face if you ask for the money, but in the meanwhile you have nothing to live on. He became enthralled with a fellow co-worker, a sweet young woman, and seeing them together I could imagine their life building and growing. But Haozu was a good man, not willing to start a relationship he couldn't support financially.

I lost touch with Haozu when I left the company, but I still thought about him. We reconnected and he shared his story. He was in such a low place when that young woman left the company, we left the company, he had no money, he was relying solely on others and not able to tell his parents or help them out, that he had contemplated suicide. His eyes welled with tears while he told us of his dreams. He asked himself which group of foreigners he would miss more; he said it was us because we always connected with him on a deeper level.

I'm not sure I ever knew a more sensitive soul than Haozu. I'll miss him.

Now you know who you are...

2005-08-24T22:49:00.000+08:00

I said something that scared me yesterday, and found out that the longing I have to be somebody's favorite was a waste, because I already am. Thanks Stevie, for the words to the song that has always belonged to him.

Scattered dreams, worthless years
Here am I encased inside a hollow shell
Life began, then was done
Now I stare into a cold and empty world
The many sounds that meet our ears,
The sights our eyes behold
Will open up our mating hearts and feed our empty souls

I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever
I believe when I fall in love this time it will be forever

Without despair, we will share
In the joys of caring will not be replaced
What has been must never end
And with the strength we have won't be erased
When the truth of love are planted firm they won't be hard to find
And the words of love I speak to you will echo in my mind

I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever
I believe when I fall in love this time it will be forever

God has answered my prayers
God shall answer my prayers
God will always answer your prayers

I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever

Come on let's fall in love, you're the woman I've been waiting for
Come on let's fall in love, you're the girl that I really adore
Come on let's fall in love, come on baby let's...

Things I'm Scared Of

2005-08-24T05:18:00.000+08:00

(I guess this post could also include "More Than Going To A Foreign Communist Country On My Own To Live" or something like that...new things to be afraid of now!)

I am going to a hip hop show for the first time in Boston (at The Greatest Bar around 10 pm see bostonrap.com for more info) and I am going it alone. The purpose: to discover the scene, meet people, see if I can do what I want to do here.

I am scared.

I've done a lot of things alone and, as usual, it is exhilarating. There are plenty of things I'd rather have a passenger on, this is one of them. A lot of people, I guess, would just stay home. I'll just feel sorry that way. But I really am scared.

Hoping for the best, planning for the worst!!

Back in Beantown

2005-08-24T05:05:00.000+08:00

And I certainly have nothing to complain about... My friends are thrilled to see me and I them, the city is as beautiful and wonderful as ever. But it's strange to come back to the site of so many little failures and hurts, to have them feel so fresh again when I pass through those locations or have those same feelings again. I have a longing here to have the connection of a loved one, and it feels so far away. I'm not sure if I'll be able to stick it out or want to move on with my life.

I've been busting hump to find a job, a place to live, and feel like my life is whole again. I guess the whole part is the hard part. So far I've either been feeling bored or frantically restless, and pretty much nothing in between.

Kathmandu 2

2005-08-18T01:22:00.000+08:00

I think the most interesting part of my trip was at the major Hindu temple in town, where they cremate many of the bodies of the dead. I didn't know what to expect exactly, if it would be really disgusting or something that maybe I didn't want to see. What I was shocked by was how spiritual the place was. I sat perched above the river that leads to the Ganges, looking down at a family cleansing the body of their loved one who had recently past. It seemed beautiful and natural, unlike how we immediately separate from the physical incarnations of the people we cared so much for in life. The bodies were burning, but it only smelled like wood and looked like a bonfire. I looked over the scene of the river, the fires, the people worshiping and grieving and I think my entire attitude toward death changed completely.

I loved Nepal, with the colors and the activity and the simplicity of life. There was no McDonald's! It was off to Tibet...

I will be home August 12

2005-08-08T22:13:00.000+08:00

After a struggle and skipping through several hoops, I have purchased my ticket and nearly completed this part of the journey. I am so damn excited!!!!

It's strange since it feels like it's been such a short time that I've actually been here. It's gone by so quickly, and I've learned so much and changed so much. I think maybe I've been loved more here than ever before. I've been greeted with such warmth from my friends in the USA hearing about me coming back, it's something that you don't realize how much you're appreciated. And I can't wait!!!

I'm melting

2005-08-05T17:20:00.000+08:00

The place I'm living now has no air conditioning, and the heat index is at about 100 degrees. I have sweat dripping out of places I didn't even know could sweat. I have beads of sweat collected on my forehead and upper lip, on my lower back, between my breasts, in my elbows and behind my knees, just waiting to make the awkward inevitable slide of gravity down my body. And I am sitting essentially completely still.

My friends left this morning. I was forced back by memory into the time when I had just gotten here, and remember like it was yesterday when THEY just got here. I was so happy to finally have other female foreigners with me, and they became like sisters to me. We lived together and supported each other and they were, just like that, family.

I went to visit them last night. I was the first one there and the last to leave. Just something didn't want me to go. We were talking and laughing and remembering. There was the necessary drama, the tears, the honesty and emotion.

When I woke up this morning I knew they were gone and I couldn't just head over there any more, and then I felt sad. It's not that I won't ever speak to or see them again, but it will never be the same as it was here. It's a period of our lives that we will never live again, but will only live on in our memory.

And it pushes me up to the front of the line as the next to go.

Kathmandu

2005-08-04T09:18:00.000+08:00

The entire way on the plane all I could think about was that song, "Kathmandu" from the 70s. I have no idea who sings it, or many of the words, but it kept playing over and over in my head.

I sat next to a woman who was living in Nepal doing missionary work with her husband and 5 children (only 3 still lived with them). Her children were probably about 5 to about 19, and the eldest was already married. They were trying to spread the gospel to people who have never heard it before, and have no written language Bible in their native languages. The things she thought were "horrible" about the place, when I saw them, I found them not to be horrible at all. She was also taking a big risk being in this place, because what she's doing is illegal. I wondered what the consequences would be if someone found out, and wondered if I would ever be willing to take those risks if I believed in something so much and wanted everybody else to also. She asked me if I knew if I was going to Heaven, and I wondered if she knew that she was going to Heaven. And even if she did know, it may or may not be true. I just smiled and said I wasn't too worried about my afterlife. She gave me a piece of their literature and made me promise to read it; it turned out to be a bunch of incomprehensible Biblical phrases that were supposed to scare you into submission...more likely just confuse you until you thought "Why not?"

The airport in Kathmandu reminded me of a midwest airport--small and old fashioned. I received my free 3 day visa and set out. My ride was waiting there, and we weaved through the city in the car. I was struck by the scene--it was a stormy day, the rain had stopped, but the big gray thunderheads persisted overhead. The dirt roads were dark from the rain. There were various animals running along side the road--dogs, cows- and the people stood out like rays of sunshine with the women in brightly colored saris and the men with their bright shirts. I was struck immediately.

After formalities at the hotel, I set out immediately, and was almost immediately accompanied by a stranger. I knew he either wanted my money or was trying to hit on me, so I kept my distance, but he kept following and telling me things that were going on. I wandered into a small stupa, where children were playing football, and as I was taking pictures they ran up and wanted to see the camera. When they saw their own pictures, they were so amused and laughed and played some more, and I was immediately charmed. They all spoke English and were spirited and amazing.

As we continued to walk toward the Monkey temple, the man told me he is a student and needed money for tuition. I was angry. I hadn't asked him to come, and now he wanted money. We walked awkwardly and silently for a minute more. I handed him 100 rupees and told him to go. He argued with me that 100 rupees wasn't enough, and then I was really angry. I told him to go and told him he had better go now, and kept walking. From this point on, I made it clear to anyone trying to get near me i wasn't interested in a tour, which in some ways I think may have hindered my learning about the place. But I wasn't having that again, and I prefered to be alone after that.

I got to the Monkey temple. As I climbed for what seemed like forever to get to the top, the monkeys came out to play. It was like magic, when they first ran out and began playing in a group of about 16. Many of the females were carrying little baby monkeys that rode on their backs. I walked up the stairs and they scampered along next to me. Then a large male crossed my path and beared his teeth, and I looked him in the eye. All hell broke loose in that moment, and monkeys began jumping back and forth across the path dragging their hands across my body as they did so. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to get rabies. A man came along and swang a backpack at them, and they scattered. "Don't look the monkeys in the eye," he said. Oh...

In the meantime

2005-08-03T19:23:00.000+08:00

I arrived back from Beijing to some very disturbing news. A friend had offered for me to stay at her apartment during August--she was returning to the US but had to pay the rent anyway, so she said I should just stay there. I got the email telling me I couldn't stay there on the day I was returning from Beijing, when I had a single day to wash clothes before I headed to Nepal.

I felt very betrayed by the situation. I understood the reasons, but at the same time it was her idea in the first place. I was feeling devastated enough thinking of all I had to do. Luckily, my "China Uncle" had offered for me to stay with him before, and he was happy to oblige again.

My flight from Beijing was delayed for several hours, and I arrived back to the apartment around midnight. The lights wouldn't turn on. Then I realized the water wouldn't either, or the gas. It was so hot in the apartment, it felt sort of like a jungle. I called my real estate agent and just cried. I couldn't believe she would do that despite the fact she knew I was out of town. My friends in the building let me stay there for the night.

The next day I had to pay the bills that she had told me were not necessary to pay because this was my last month, but she was still insisting I pay the rent. Plus, she insisted I pay 1000 yuan that she and I had been disputing for utilities. She got what she wanted and I didn't get anything I wanted. I was so stressed out and trying to get everything back together. I left for Hong Kong that afternoon.

When i arrived back from Tibet, I was home for about 30 minutes when a stranger walked in with a key. Turns out they had rented the apartment out and the lease started THAT DAY. I was forced to move out the next day, and had to debate for hours over the 5 days of rent that I had paid that I was forced to leave over, and utilities that they continued to insist I owed on.

When it was all said and done, I was so relieved just to hand over the keys and walk out. I didn't get the time I wanted alone to relax, but I guess that's life. Freedom has been achieved...at least from that problem.

Beijing Part 2

2005-07-27T21:35:00.000+08:00

I went to the Great Wall on my second day in Beijing. It felt like the car ride that would never end...maybe I was anxious, maybe excited, but this ride seemed to extend for hours in wall to wall traffic. We approached the wall to see tons of tourist stuff...souvenirs, people dressed up in costumes...things that seemed absolutely ridiculous. You can either ride up to the wall on a ski lift or walk...I chose the lift. The wall was divinely free of people. I climbed all the way to one end, until it fell into disarray past the areas that had been repaired for tourist purposes. The wall was surprisingly steep and difficult to climb, but it was incredibly to see it snaking for miles on each side. I sat and sweated and watched things go by for awhile...the insects, the odd other person, the hawkers.

I climbed down to face the masses again. I was determined to get a book of Mao's Quotes, which is only to be seen in Beijing. I found one...the guy tried to sell it to me for 150RMB. Note: It was a small book on crappy paper, about 2 x 3 inches big and the printing wasn't lined up. I got it for 10 RMB. I bought t-shirts--she wanted to sell for 280 RMB. I got for 40RMB. A diet Coke...10 RMB, bought for 5. And so it goes. Perhaps the most fascinating part of the day was when a man began to argue with what appeared to be police officers, then pulled one of them over to a food stand during the course of the argument. And the Chinese laughed, while the foreigners just looked confused.

The next day I wanted to see Mao Zedong's body, preserved in the 30 odd years since his death in a mausoleum in Tiananmen Square. This was to be my last jaunt before going to Shenzhen again for a day and then on to Nepal and Tibet. The line was never ending, which shocked me. Beyond that, people continuously cut in line in front of you on the way in and elbowed and pushed as well. Me and another girl from the hostel had gone together. I was yelling "Pai Dui" (get in line) the entire time to no avail. We got to about the half way point when some random guy told us we weren't allowed to bring our bags into the Mausoleum and told us to give them to him. We laughed at him, thinking how naive must we look. But, as we moved forward, guards insisted we go check our bags. What were they afraid of? I'm not sure...bombs, spray paint, cameras...who knows? The Chinese have become synonymous to me with refusing to follow the rules. I can just imagine the family who took a photo in front of Chairman Mao's dead body. So, we went to check the bags then waited back in line yet again. The same man came up to us and told us we weren't allowed to wear sandals into the Mausoleum and promptly pulled us along with him. I stopped to ask a Mausoleum employee if this was true and he said yes. The man gave us shoes to wear for 10 RMB. We didn't pay...something didn't seem quite right. We walked back and lo and behold, every other person in line was wearing sandals. I simply handed the shoes back to him with a scowl and walked away, but I was pissed. I was pissed that I stood out so much, and it's been so long like this. I was pissed that even the fucking guard was in on the story. I was pissed that I couldn't feel relaxed even on my god damned vacation. I wanted to find the man and scream and yell but in Chinese I didn't have the words I wanted.

The line made it's way closer to Mao, where they sold silk flowers for 2 rmb. A hush fell over the crowd as we made our way closer and closer, sort of a quiet anticipation. We entered the Mausoleum, and quietly filed past a large statue of Mao, then past Mao's plastic-y body, which was draped with a Soviet flag. The respectful quiet continued on throughout our time in the buildilng. The funny thing was, after all the people who I had seen buy flowers, there were very few flowers sitting there. They must have just constantly taken them away and resold them.

We were ushered out where everything Mao was for sale...necklaces, plates, spoons, paperweights...you name it, it was probably there in it's cheap kitschy glory. I was intrigued by the things people were buying, and by the scowls I received when I recognized the humor in what was laying there. I guess Mao isn't to be disrespected, even when he is emblazoned on a big red enamel heart that spins with a bigger heard surrounding it.

The frustrating things:
I couldn't understand the Beijing accent
I got sick of the ridiculous scams everyone seemed to be trying to pull. I don't remember being treated this way any other time I've been a tourist. I kept thinking about the Olympics--if things go down this way, nobody's going to enjoy themselves.
It was always grey and always hot.

I did love the city though, and if you go, the Red Lantern House is fantastic, although difficult to find. More on my trip later, and my visit to M's home...I am in Lhasa right now!

Beijing Part 1

2005-07-19T14:30:00.000+08:00

I arrived to Beijing after a flight delay. I had been hoping to make it to the hostel before sundown, but the sun had long since set by the time I made it to the area of the city I was supposed to be in. This city is massive and sprawling and so flat. I can't believe how large everything is. The buildings take up entire city blocks, which are very large in themselves.

The shuttle bus I took passed straight through the front of the Forbidden City with Mao's gigantic portrait hanging over us and Tiananmen Square. That moment was so exciting--one of those "I've only seen this in pictures" type moments.

The directions became more and more vague about how to get to the hostel. I had the phone numbers and was incredibly confused, so I called. All the phones were turned off. I got off the bus and looked around, trying to get some sort of bearings, but had no idea. I headed back--the hostel was supposed to be behind this noodle place and a Dairy Queen. Nothing vaguely resembled a hostel back there. I kept trying to call, and got the Chinese message that the phones were turned off repeatedly. I didn't know what I should do...I called my Chinese teacher. She tried to help, but really what could she do?

There's always an extreme feeling of vulnerability for me when I get to a new place. Unless someone's meeting me, the feeling persists until I make it to my destination. At this point, I couldn't help but be on the verge of tears. I didn't know what to do.

I tried the hostel again, and someone answered. At this point, I was just ready to give up. But I persisted, trying to tell them where I was and trying to get someone else to tell them where I was. Eventually they agreed to come pick me up. My plane landed around 7 and I arrived at the hostel at 10:30. I was exhausted, and on top of all that I was suffering from a cold.

I woke up really early the next day. I don't know why. All night I had to keep blowing my nose, which was not fun. And I figured I was alienating my roommates. I thought "might as well get started" and went on my way. I covered the Forbidden City, Tiananmen Square, the Temple of Heaven, and the Lama Temple on the first day.

Everything was impressive. And HUGE. But I think the most striking thing was the Lama temple, which is a Tibetan Buddhism temple that has been "conserved" by the Chinese government. I just felt like everywhere I went I was being watched, and that the place had become run down and no longer used for real worship. There were many beautiful things there. I loved how I got near the building and could smell the incense wafting up through the gates, and how incredible the gigantic gold buddha was. But half of the buildings had been converted into souvenir shops and the "monks" (I wasn't sure if they were or if they were just employees, but all had shaved heads but didn't wear the normal clothes monks wear) just peered out of their individual temples like they were waiting for something. Also, instead of real offerings usually given, like breads or fruits, some had some packaged crackers, which I thought were very strange. I wonder what this will compare to when I'm actualyl in Tibet, although the monasteries and temples there are also controlled by China.

I was a little disappointed that so many things were under renovation for the upcoming Olympics. Understanding, but disappointed.

Coming later--the Great Wall and Chairman Mao, Live (sort of).

2005-07-14T08:56:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking a lot about what I have gotten out of this whole experience. First of all, I have to argue with myself about what even to call it...sometimes it's an ordeal, sometimes it's an adventure, a lot of the time I just wanted to roll over and play dead. Most of it I didn't feel like I was in control of things, but instead I was at the whim of whatever it is that's controlling our lives--it definitely wasn't me most of the time. All my ambition and effort were mostly wasted here because of my only vague understanding of all that was going on around me. Whenever I tried to make something happen, it usually ended up extremely complicated and confusing and it was better just to go with the flow. I tend to do an emotional strong arm to get things done, and it just wouldn't work. I guess that was Lesson 1.

I learned how to make pieces of happiness for myself in a sad place. I never got the impression that people here were very happy. Their language itself is sort of like shouting at others all the time; it doesn't have the grace of connecting words or politeness. There are so many people that it doesn't matter if you step on someone or push them--you just keep walking. It's purely the huddled masses around here. You see horrible things every day and just have to deal with it and move on. Plus I haven't gained the language skills to really communicate with anyone, which made me alone in a place where I couldn't be more separate from everyone else because I'm sort of a pariah--they see people that don't look like them only rarely, if ever. All the friends and relationships I've created here have been solely my own doing, and that I'm proud of. I made it in one piece even when I felt miserable so much.

I realized how much I valued being real. I was judged often for it--but I realized that me telling the truth was more valuable than looking good to others.

I realized things weren't as black and white as I always thought they were. Suddenly things took on these whole new dimensions that I never even saw before. Things aren't so simple now, and I guess that's part of growing up. Even though I'm almost 25--but I guess we grow up until we die.

I can value my own company in a different way than I used to.
I know what clean means now.
I can spot a real friend from a fake a lot faster.
I've become more cynical. I don't think this is good but I hope it will wear off during re-entry.
I've gotten those marriage proposals I thought I would never get and realized that I didn't want them anyway.

I know I've learned a lot more, but I'm out of time. I'm running off to Beijing!!! Where it's close to 100 degrees~!!! But it's okay...

Don't look for new posts for awhile, unless I by some miracle have great Internet access at my hostel...but don't worry, I'm sure I'll have plenty of great stories to tell in about 2 weeks.

KISSES

"I am alone in all that could happen" -William Gass

2005-07-13T11:06:00.000+08:00

I have a sort of combination fear/excitement--known as exhilaration I guess--about my trip tomorrow. I am going to Beijing alone. I have some sadness about it too--don't get me wrong. If I had someone great to go with, I would love to, but I don't.

I often get bothered by other people about the fact that I do things alone, and I like it. I always say "If you can't enjoy your own company, who else will?" and I smile. But that's not really why I do it...although of course I do enjoy my own company. I think it's more to have the freedom of everything--the freedom to be in my own thoughts, to go wherever I like whenever I like, to make all the choices about who else is around me.

And you stand in the possibilities. What will happen? Only I can determine that I guess. And that's why I'm thrilled.

I had a dream about you

2005-07-12T08:22:00.000+08:00

It was beautiful
And the distance hasn't seemed to take that away
I barely know you but I miss you all the same

I might as well have just done it for all that I feel
because the details of that night stick with me and won't go
It's just you and you and you
Waiting for the next night to fall

Something's missing, I know, each time I give my heart
I take the leap not realizing
Until nothing's there to catch me and I end up in a freefall

That's what I'm in now.

China Lite

2005-07-10T23:16:00.000+08:00

I had to go to Hong Kong on Saturday. I always feel weird that I often complain about having to go to Hong Kong, since it's supposed to be this amazing world-class city and all.

I think most of my disappointment comes with the fact that Hong Kong isn't really China at all. I know, China has readopted it from the British almost 6 years ago...But there's almost nothing Chinese there. There are areas where it's pretty Chinese, true, but most of it is just like any other city in the world. You could be in New York or London or anywhere else for that matter.

The first time, I had a real trouble with the juxtaposition of in China/not like China at all. I thought Hong Kong would have sort of it's own unique position, but it just didn't. Now I just think: What does anyone even see here, besides overpriced goods?

Hong Kong is only a 30 minute bus ride + customs+ 40 minute train ride away from here, and it's nice to escape into the familiar where everyone speaks English. But, here's another point: if you have to go through customs, are you still in the same country? It's strange, since you leave China and walk through a little maze over this river that's surrounded in cement and barbed wire. I always feel like I'm in limbo, outside of a country with nowhere to go. What if I lost my passport here? I always think.

My favorite part of Hong Kong is when I'm riding the KCR back, and there are these little houses scattered in the green hills, then we ride through farmland where cows are always grazing along, and there are graves dug into the hillside. I always wish I could go and explore there, but so far I haven't been able to figure out how.

I have developed a fear of the dark.

2005-07-10T21:15:00.000+08:00

Something sinister is lurking around every corner.
The axe is about to fall
Things are on the verge of falling apart
Someone is standing behind me.
I feel like I am just not seeing something.

I'm not sure where this fear has come from. My mind knows it's completely irrational but my heart isn't so sure. I hope it leaves soon.

Travel Drama, Cont...

2005-07-10T20:28:00.000+08:00

Things are coming along with my travel plans, be it ever so slowly. It's that inching inching inching toward the finish line. I wasn't feeling much fear about traveling alone but all of a sudden it's becoming a little more real and a little more scary. But at least I've got the movement happening.

It all started when I made an assumption about airfares. I should have learned by now not to make assumptions, but I guess I haven't gotten that far yet. "When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me..." Anyway, that blew up in my face.

So I'm sent scurrying to pull things together. I was planning to leave for Beijing within the next 3 days and have yet to create the actual plans. Yikes!!! Luckily China doesn't operate on a planning-ahead sort of schedule, so it's pretty acceptable to make last minute plans. Unfortunately, last minute planning doesn't really suit me very well. I prefer to plan far in advance.

So far, I have secured an air ticket from Lhasa to Chengdu. I have a price and must call for my ticket from Hong Kong to Kathmandu early tomorrow morning. Then I will unfortunately probably have to go pick it up. Then I must secure a ticket from Chengdu to Shenzhen.

After all this is finished, I need to figure out how I am going to go from here to Beijing and back, then decide HOW to do it. A travel agent who spoke English would be so helpful right now... Then I need to figure out where to stay, what to do... but that's later in my mind.

Fortunately my old visa which was replaced by my residence permit is still valid. At least SOMETHING was easy!!!

Kindergarten Graduation

2005-07-08T20:50:00.000+08:00

This day has been building momentum for about a month. They got dresses made which we were required to wear (hideous and cheap...mine got a hole in the first hour of wear. I washed it and it still had sort of a petroleumesque smell), the students have been rehearsing, the photos have been taken, the diplomas created, grades calculated, report cards filled out.

The week has been constantly interrupted with rehearsals. I could understand if I had been warned I suppose, but I had this really cool project that I had wanted to complete that ended up very half-assed. It's too bad because I love the kid's art work and had really wanted to be awed as I usually am. It also confirmed the complete disregard the school has for the importance of my classes. I just didn't feel like I got the closure I had really wanted.

The day began with making all the kids up like little baby whores. In China, white=right. All the kids were smothered in this illuminating white makeup that made them look like ghosts, then added crazy rouge pink cheeks, penciled in eyebrows, eyeliner, and pastel eyeshadow topped off with glitter. Maybe it's purpose is just to look good on stage, I don't know. I always feel like putting makeup on a kid is sort of like telling them they don't look good enough as they are. We put in on every kid, so I guess that's good, but also the Chinese teachers tell they kids they look beautiful AFTER the makeup is on, never before. I can't imagine what that must feel like.

Anyway, lunch was at 10:30, usually at 11:15. It felt insanely early although by this point I was already exhausted from running around and doing makeup. For my kindergarteners, lunch is usually followed by a 2 and a half hour nap. Not today.

Today they ran straight into costumes, which then turned into a sort of "Baby's First Drag Show." We're talking little boys in halter tops, skirts, and dresses. I was a little shocked by this... The highlight was easily the nursery kids dressed up as little animals...they were so damn cute.

They then took all the kids over to the venue, where they ran through the entire graduation. The Entire 3-Hour-Long-Graduation-Ceremony. This was followed immediately by the actual ceremony.

Kids were asleep in their chairs by this point. The kindergarteners were actually amazingly well behaved considering all the things they had been doing...perhaps from sheer exhaustion, I don't really know. The primary school was actually not well behaved at all. We had a few MIA kindergarteners at a few points, but they were always found in time for the show. Everything came off well.

I had a few moments of sadness and a few tears when the little ones climbed in my lap and played with me, realizing this would be the last time. There's just something so special about having a kid warm up to you like that; I think it's the pureness that they have, and the privilege it is to be loved by someone so wonderful. I will miss them so much. Many of my older students ran up with pride with their parents and I was grateful to have the chance to meet them.

The whole shebang ended around 5, and by this point I was really dragging and had a horrible headache. I was fairly oblivious to several parents that had something to complain about, since their complaints had nothing to do with me. I got out of there with fairly little effort, and that was lucky. I guess everyone was tired.

What was left was a little sadness about the way I'm leaving the school. I worked hard there, and pushed my limits in a lot of ways. A long time ago I stopped doing it for the school and started doing it for myself and for the kids. I have never had a moment of feeling appreciated or acknowledged at any time I was there. I guess until the moment I left the building I had hoped to get something, SOMETHING, that even acknowledged that I had taught there. I had been promised a lot of things, oh this will happen if you do this for us types of things, but nothing had ever come of any of it. IT was always "Well, let's have a look at your vague and crappy contract" instead of any sort of human compassion. And, if I was appreciated by the administration, I guess I'll never know. At least the kids were never shy about telling me how they felt about me, and that I will always remember.

The whole ceremony passed without even a thank you for all the effort made by many of the teachers and staff to put it all together. Of course, our egocentric owner of schools received all the lauds and applauds, while she's been there about 5% of the time. I'm leaving with disappointment I guess. It's too bad it's got to be that way.

2005-07-08T07:21:00.000+08:00

I want to send my thoughts and prayers to London.

I lived there for 6 months while studying abroad, and it is a fabulous city. I remember very clearly, though, the one time the trains stopped running. I lived at South Kensington station, and I had to get to Kentish Town. The line to Kentish Town derailed, forcing a closure of that line for 2 weeks. The day that it had derailed, I remember the pure chaos of the people hurrying through the Underground, trying to figure out where to go, and having to get on and off of trains multiple times to finally get where I needed to be. I can only imagine this with the fear added in.

All of us deserve to feel safe in our everyday lives.

To Patches

2005-07-07T19:11:00.000+08:00

She was beautiful and soft
I remember when I brought her home
Walking through the busy mall from the pet store her claws dug into me
To this day it's a mystery why we didn't put her in a box
But I have a feeling I didn't want to
I was 10 years old

When you walked toward her, she would roll over and her big belly popped out
She was small and her belly grew and shrunk periodically for no apparent reason
When you petted her she pushed into it with this love
She used to sleep on my pillow, and if she was cold she would come under the covers

When she was younger she liked to push things off shelves with her paws
And she used to climb up the middle of the Christmas tree
As she got older she was happier just sleeping and batting at the low branches
But she never lost her love of high places and would climb up even when her stomach was at it's hugest

She always seemed to be content. Not like the other cat always trying to escape.
She was thrilled to sit in your lap for hours or snooze in the sun.
She liked to watch what was going on outside but would only set one foot out cautiously sniffing with every additional inch.
She liked to look after the other animals by grooming and keeping them company.
She would lay with me and lick my tears when I cried.

Even when I had been gone for a long time after I left for college, she always remembered me.
More than remembered, she would come running and not leave my side until I left again.
She wasn't the type to mope when I was away, but my parents always said I was her favorite.

She died on the morning of July 6, 2005 after a battle with respiratory problems. She was buried under the eucalyptus tree behind her home.
She was family to us and we loved her.
I will never forget her and her gentle loving spirit.

2005-07-07T07:25:00.000+08:00

Feeling overwhelmed and not quite sure where to start with everything.
Wanting to relax for once and all instead of running around constantly.
Tense, tense, TENSE!!!
Damn trying to complete life in another language!!!

When in Rome...

2005-07-06T11:31:00.000+08:00

We have a woman in the office who burps loudly and proudly at least once a day. Sometimes it's during a meeting, sometimes it's sitting at her desk, sometimes it's walking in the door. This is not a social taboo in China, although I do teach my kids to say excuse me.

At least she's not farting...

Brainwashing

2005-07-06T07:33:00.000+08:00

My class had a McDonald's party yesterday. All the kids sat around, wore little Ronald and Hamburglar crowns, sang songs, and ate all the McDonald's they could handle. Then they got McDonald's-themed gifts.

Whoever does branding for McDonald's is a genius. McDonald's runs rampant in China...I live in a big city, and there's one almost as frequently as they are in America. In other parts of the country, I don't really know how many there are. But, there is almost no other fast food choice around here. McDonald's and KFC are the two big players. Burger King hasn't even appeared yet.

In the little town I grew up in, we didn't have many fast food options either: McDonald's, Pizza Hut, the now defunct Hardee's...that was about it. I had my birthday at McDonald's frequently. I am now a loyal McDonald's follower. The truth is, in the US I rarely eat at McDonald's, but I am constantly hooked by their Coke contract--I am fiercely loyal to my Diet Coke. In China, I eat at McDonald's at least once a month, sometimes as often as 4 times a month.

And what will these Chinese kids remember? They'll remember the good times they had at McDonald's, and despite the mediocre food choices, they'll be comforted by the familiarity and connection to their youth. Already most of them say that McDonald's is their favorite food. I wonder what the physical future of the Chinese is...

A Fresh, Ripe Apple

2005-07-05T07:16:00.000+08:00

Happy Independence Day!!! Even out here in ancient China we expats find a way to celebrate...we had our own sort of bbq at a local bar and drank Tsingtao beer. The flavor of the whole evening was decidedly Chinese...we had only the meat, no beautiful side dishes like potato salad or a pie or anything...the bar is located on a whole street full of whorehouses. There were fireworks, set off by a local "members only" expats club. They seemed to have the best party going, but they also seemed to be having the least amount of fun...the food just looked really good.

Anyway, I think the highlight of the evening was when an old friend said I looked like a fresh, ripe apple all the time. I liked that. I am golden delicious.

A Social Exchange

2005-07-04T08:39:00.000+08:00

Conversation:talking about loved ones writing songs for us

Me: My boyfriend wrote a song for me. It's on the album he's releasing on the 20th of this month...he's in Africa right now promoting it.
Friend: Album? Where's he from?
Me: Sierra Leone...he's a big star there.
G: Your boyfriend's African? You mean he's black?
Me: Um, yes...
G (white with Chinese girlfriend sitting next to him): Like,how black? Is he really dark? What does his skin look like?
Me: He's medium toned I guess...he doesn't look white! (laughing uncomfortably)
G: I see... (wheels turning. thinking what, I'm not sure I even want to know)
Moving on...

Most foreigners here are pretty liberal. Well, most foreigners here aren't even American, and a lot of other cultures are more liberal than ours. G himself is Canadian, and obviously seems to lack sophistication or at least tact. I was a bit taken aback by this whole exchange, but tried to just stay relaxed. I guess I'm more prepared for this sort of naive ignorance than I am for the widespread acceptance that me and my boyfriend have received so far. It could most definitely have been worse.

I think it would have been a little more clever just to ask if I had a photo of him...

My Summer Holiday

2005-07-03T19:22:00.000+08:00

I am so excited that I have finally put the deposit down on my Nepal/Tibet tour, which I will be taking later this month. I have been thinking and planning since April, and the actual execution is so freaking exciting!!! I have that sort of child-waking-up-on-Christmas-morning feeling when you just walked into the room and there's so many gifts and the stockings are stuffed full and you just can't wait to dig in!!!

I will be arriving in Nepal on July 20 (perhaps from Beijing, but details aren't clear yet), staying until the 23rd when we will pass through the Himalayas and into Tibet, traveling through the countryside for 5 days until we reach Lhasa, where we will visit the highlights of the city for 2 days. I am on a tour, which I hope isn't full of annoying, smelly, or strange people. We will be stuck inside a Jeep together for 8 hours a day. You have to take a tour into Tibet; there's no other way in. And I'm traveling alone, so it really is the better option.

I will then be returning to Shenzhen, where my boyfriend will meet me and we will live in perfect harmony and pure joy for about a month until I go home. I hope.

Thong Underwear

2005-07-02T19:29:00.000+08:00

I ran into two of the teachers from my school today when I went shopping. I had come specifically because they had gotten a shipment of underwear in sizes that wouldn't cut off circulation to my legs, and I hadn't been in a shopping mood when I had seen it a few days earlier. I was leafing through it, and feeling a little embarassed and rushed because HELLO, I'm picking out underwear with my co-workers. They're going to know what I've got on under my clothes for Christ's sake!

Panty lines are pretty much standard issue in China. Nobody cares--people wear patterned underwear with white pants. It doesn't matter. And everybody wears granny panties...I know because I can see them. All the time. Everywhere.

So, I was sorting through a pile of bikini thong underwear, picking some out. The teachers looked somewhat perplexed, and I explained that I don't like a line to show. I'm not really sure that they got it...but at least they made sure I got a good deal.

They're probably still trying to figure out why you would wear a pair of underwear with the ass cut out.

He wants a poem for his birthday

2005-07-02T19:24:00.000+08:00

Seems romantic, right? Too bad my poetry sucks... I don't really know what to do. I was thinking of a sort of "story of our love" kind of thing, but it seems like it could be potentially very cheesy. But he kind of likes cheesy... He did actually ask for a poem though... I don't know. If I write a poem it doesn't ever rhyme, it's more like a whole bunch of metaphors stuck together. I've been trying to start it all day...trying to think of that brilliant first line. I will have to read it out loud since he's 5,000 miles away. That's probably the worst part. If he could just read it, that would be better. I hate to read it out loud.

His birthday is tomorrow. I need to get on this shit.

2005-07-01T07:25:00.000+08:00

Yesterday as I watched my students preparing for their graduation ceremony, I realized just how much I loved them. They clamored to sit next to me, and looked so cute dancing around, and all gave me some of their snack. I realized just then why it might be hard to leave.

Of course, then I got home and got a call to say a news crew was coming to school today and that I should have a dynamic lesson prepared, and then I realized just why it might be easy to leave. I can't pull a magic lesson out of a hat people.

Chinese Lesson

2005-06-29T13:57:00.000+08:00

Holla--no, not trying to get your attention. It means "Ready" in Chinese

Jigga--Jay Z is big in China? Nope...it means "That"

Ren--people, not birds

Mei Guo--America.

Wo Er Ma--Walmart

Slurpee=Slurpee

The scary thing is, the Chinese words have started to make sense for foreign things

Lu--No, not skip to my...it means "Road"

Negga--Not a racial slur. It means "then" and people say it all the time. I've become completely desensitized.

Just admit it

2005-06-29T13:50:00.000+08:00

I've been finding mystery porn on my computer. I don't have any problems with people looking at porn, but I have realized that I have a real problem being confronted with sexuality at times that I'm not expecting it, and while looking in my Recently Viewed Documents is definitely when I'm not expecting it. Plus being in possession of pornography in China is illegal.

I knew that it wasn't my porn. I think I would remember that, unless I'm sleep-porn-looking. So, I would have to talk to my roommate. I wasn't exactly comfortable with that idea, but I was also most definitely not comfortable with more and more porn building up on my computer.

So, I got home last night and he was watching a movie. I sat down on the couch, thinking about what I should say, feeling pretty damn nervous. After about 10 minutes, I just came out with it.

"This is embarassing but...please don't look at porn on my computer anymore."

"Oh, it wasn't me, it was these popups. That's why I installed the pop-up blocker."

But that pop-up blocker was installed over a month ago, and I keep getting new stuff. Plus there was a link to Free XXX movies both in our favorites and in his personal folder...But I let the lie slide. At least I said what I had to say. But please...if you've got the gall to look at dirty pictures on someone else's computer, shouldn't you also have the gall to admit to it?

2005-06-29T07:40:00.000+08:00

I've started to get replies back from some of the people I've contacted to interview, and it's vaguely thrilling. It's sort of like pursuing someone for a long time and finally getting what you want.

Ahh, the thrill of the chase...

We got a biter!!!...

2005-06-29T07:33:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I was doing my normal duty of greeting the kids as they come into school. This, and saying goodbye to them, are easily some of my favorite parts of the day. Sure, you get a lot of little Chinese zombies walking in, but they are still fresh and usually excited about school.

I have one kid that has some problems. His sister behaves great, but he is defiant and often violent. He's 6 years old. He's got this strange sort of quasi-cuteness because his face looks slightly off center. Maybe it's his half adult, half child's teeth or his shaggy, bouncy haircut. I'm not really sure. He always gives me the impression of an abandoned puppy that is just desperate for you to take him home. He is always sweet to me, but I know that he's very bad to other teachers. I've seen him hitting teachers, kicking teachers, running away...pretty much average bad kindergarten behavior.

Yesterday, the bus driver was carrying his bag. He was latched on to his arm, trying his damnedest to bite the poor guy. I'm not sure what happened prior to this on the bus, but obviously he had done something wrong. I grabbed his arm and talked sternly to him, and for whatever reason he calmed down. Then we had to drag him into the office, where the police had recently shown up, and they sent him straight out with no discipline, which was just straight frustrating. Is it any wonder his behavior is so bad?

That is probably one of the biggest problems facing the students at the school. They have everything, they come from some of the richest families in town. But, no one cares enough about them to show them the consequences of their actions. I'm afraid for this country in 20 years...who's going to take care of things?

Candy=Money

2005-06-28T13:17:00.000+08:00

This morning my friend went to the store to get her breakfast, as per usual. She paid for her food and they were out of jiao, which are equivalent to 1/10 of one RMB. Apparently, they had none in the store, so they gave her 3 pieces of candy instead of 3 jiao.

I don't know, I think I'd rather have the candy...

Photo Hell

2005-06-27T21:26:00.000+08:00

Several weeks ago we had class pictures. For some unexplained reason, my class didn't take their pictures on this day. I made it very, very clear that it was important to me to be in the photos. I told all the teachers, asked all day when the photo would be taken. No one could tell me. I've been left out of various things at various times by the Chinese teachers of one class, particularly kid's birthday parties where I show up and the kids all tell me they just had a party and why didn't I come...mildly crushing...and when the teachers threw away a project I did with the kids and blamed the class assistant, who doesn't speak any English.

I had finished my exam grading and headed out to the grocery store with my endless free hours in the day. I got a call when I was on my way back saying that the photos were being taken as we walked. I told them we would be there in 5 minutes. I arrived hot and sweaty, took a seat, put on some lipstick. I hadn't wanted to look like someone who just rolled out of bed, which I did this morning, but I guess that's what it would take.

I walked to where the photos were taken, and was greeted with "where were you?" like I should have known exactly what was going on the whole day. The kids were all dressed in their tiny little caps and gowns, and they swarmed around me with their little voices so excited. "I'm sorry..." on of the teachers said, but it was too late. Tears filled my eyes and I needed to make an exit as soon as possible. I don't like to have the kids see me cry. I felt as though I had worked on a project nonstop for 5 months and then they didn't put my name on it.

I felt incredibly crushed, and no one really seemed to care, particularly the administration. I can't put my finger on exactly why it bothered me so damn much, but I cried for about an hour. And I'm still...not...quite...over...it.

I hit snooze 8 times.

2005-06-27T07:30:00.000+08:00

I guess the whole fun weekend life/full time work week life just don't really mesh so well. I had to get up today at the time I usually get in on Friday and Saturday nights. So, it's sort of, well, wrong. I got into bed last night at about 9:30; went to sleep at about 10. My alarm went off at 6. I was not happy.

I am currently drinking a cup of coffee as big as my head and feeling grateful that it's perfectly acceptable to take a nap on my desk.

Shape

2005-06-26T20:16:00.000+08:00

I was thinking about the people who have shaped the way I live my life. Two very specific people (sets of people really) have influenced the way I interact with others. I never came from a family of people with any particular social skills. I've had to develop mine over years of testing and hard work because my parents, as lovely as they are, are practically hermits. They enjoy people, but just have trouble making the connection for whatever reason...I think they're both just really in their own heads. But I had to watch some example...

I had this wonderful aunt and uncle that always made everyone feel like gold. It was like everything you were doing was the most exciting, most interesting thing in the world. It sounds, in writing, like a sarcastic awful way to be, but they had a finesse about it that just made you glow from the inside. They were thrilled we played instruments, that my parents got new clients, with any job or any small step we took. If something bad happened...your boyfriend dumped you, you didn't get that promotion, you messed up in concert...they were so sorry, listened so intently, and somehow chose the exact right words to ease the pain. I absolutely adored these relatives. Unfortunately my uncle passed away several years ago, and I plan to see my aunt later this summer. I always wondered how it felt to be their children, and if they appreciated it in the same way or if it just wore on their nerves like everything your parents do eventually does.

The second person was a former roommate I had. She wasn't particularly beautiful...definitely good looking, but not outstanding. But every man absolutely couldn't help but fall for her. She naturally made people feel good and valued, usually by flirting subtly with everyone. She could make fun of anything, even very sensitive issues, and no one got offended. I tried to do that myself, then she told me a secret: the key is to not really mean it. If you do really mean it, it is obvious despite the fact that it was SUPPOSED to be a joke.

I feel a lot of gratitude to have been able to see these people in action. They have easily brought me to where I am today.

Oddball

2005-06-26T13:12:00.000+08:00

I was on my way out a few weeks ago, and I saw many many strange things. I walked to the bus, and of course I get stared at. People do a double take when they see foreigners here, it's simply a part of life.

I was waiting for the bus, and a little person approached. The strange thing was, he was wearing a sequined vest and sequined bell bottoms. Sequins from head to toe, with a sort of feathered Partridge Family 1970s haircut.

I always feel compassion for those in China who are a bit different. I already understand how it feels to be constantly examined. Additionally, there is no special help for those who have physical challenges. You rarely see anyone in a wheelchair, or who are blind. Well, wheelchairs usually consist of 2 bike tires and legs tied around the shoulders, which in itself is really quite depressing. But there are no elevators in most places, no handicapped restrooms, no indentations so wheels can go on the sidewalks. There are no sounds on the crosswalks for the blind, and no phones for the deaf. It's got to be a difficult life.

The funny thing is, the very next week at this bus stop I saw several women dressed up in these "traditional" Chinese costumes that were all spruced up to be completely over the top with 6 inch metallic silver platform boots on.

The best part? They all look at me like I'm a 1970's haircut sequined from head to toe wearing extra tall platform boots odd sight you see on the street. And to them, that's exactly what I am.

Firewall

2005-06-26T12:42:00.000+08:00

I get so frustrated with the firewall here. The stupidest stuff gets blocked...like business resources. WHY!?! I am trying to do research people! Blogs are also heavily subdued..I can't even view my own website. For awhile, I wasn't allowed to post either. I'm not really sure why suddenly that was lifted, but I can obviously post now. I had to have a proxy do it before. Grrr.

2005-06-25T21:36:00.000+08:00

It's kind of funny how the people who want to write nasty comments on your website don't ever have the balls to leave their email address or name for rebuttal. And, frankly, I don't have the time to respond to such closed-minded idiots. I just assume that it's some 14 year old kid who hasn't figured out that things aren't always black and white, but we all do the best we can...or someone who thinks it's funny to fuck around. And I have done right by the people in my life...I know that so I don't particularly need someone else's approval.

I was, however, interested in discussion on the topic. So, I decided not to erase the comment despite it's ignorance. Thanks again for the comment. I will disregard it immediately.

What are the rules?

2005-06-25T12:01:00.000+08:00

I have been with my boyfriend for about 7 months (sort of a record, actually...) I can wax on about why I think it has lasted, but I'll save that for another time. It comes down to excitement and how he treats me, basically. We have decided to get married (someday, no real date or "official" proposal) and I think of him as my partner. But, is it normal to continue to have crushes on other people?

Last night started out pretty dull. I wasn't too into the music, the people were the same old same old, and I wasn't drinking so it wasn't going to get any more fun without a change of attitude. My boyfriend travels all the time, and he's been gone about 3 weeks now. I decided I needed to take action before I became officially boring. So, I decided the mission for the evening would be to meet 5 new people. At that moment, someone I had spoken to once walked in. I remembered his name (I'm damn good at that) so I went over. This led to an hour long conversation with him and 3 of his work mates.

The police here are on some sort of power trip for the month, and they've been closing things down at 2. Luckily, I know the DJ, and I have a standing invite to his private after party. I waited around for awhile, and a few fabulous people I had met a week earlier showed up. I was eying another guy who I had seen several times before who was quite good looking. So, I thought why not? Person number 4 was secured.

An aside about ex-boyfriends--they seem to be coming out of the woodwork. One was insisting he had to kiss me (didn't happen), another was there but not bugging me, and one who I was never interested in has given another friend a fake number and said it was mine and then called and asked me where I was about 100 times. They lay dormant for months then all of a sudden it's sort of like a swarm. Mating season?

I was having a great time, and met a total of 8 new people last night. My conundrum is, though, that I can't help but form crushes on several of these good looking, interesting, fun people. Some become long-term, some just last until I realize how they REALLY are, some are just a one-night flirtation. I really enjoy people and I really enjoy finding out about them...but I wonder how healthy it is to have any other man on my mind at any time in any way that's not completely platonic. Is it okay as long as I don't act on it? Or, is it a sign that there's something wrong with my current relationship? I have never had this problem in any other relationship, and I don't know if that's because the other person was always around or if I didn't enjoy getting to know people as much, or if I just didn't think I had as many options... I'm not exactly sure. I don't keep my boyfriend a secret or anything, although I have gotten propositioned several times despite this fact. And I turned them all down.

So...is this normal?

The Rain in China...

2005-06-24T22:24:00.000+08:00

can come at you from all sides when you least expect it. The worst part? Some genius decided to pave the entirety of Shenzhen with slippery tile, therefore deeming walking nearly impossible. Instead of walking, I sort of do a combo of ice skating/slipping/praying and try to walk in the street as much as possible. I hate umbrellas...in fact, I have never believed in umbrellas...but now I am forced to carry one at all times because you just never know when you're about to get soaked. It has rained every day for the last 2 weeks without fail.

You see a lot of damn funny things. People dress from head to toe in grocery bags. They ride bikes carrying an umbrella while smoking. They act like the rain will kill them if it touches them at all (might be true...I'm hoping not). And, of course, there is the slipping. A particularly odious administrator slipped, fell, and broke her wrist last week at school. Not that I would wish it on her, but I think it raised morale just a little bit.

I did, however, have to end my hobby of jumping through puddles after I observed how they become a sort of outdoor toilet to all the neighborhood children. Let's just say my galoshes aren't as fun as they used to be.

Comments

2005-06-24T21:54:00.000+08:00

Unless you leave your email address, I can't reply to your comments. Unfortunately, my comments are inaccessible since I am in China. I do, however, truly love to get comments and appreciate them immensely.

Thanks.

Paul Oakenfold, Live

2005-06-24T21:37:00.000+08:00

I saw Paul Oakenfold last night in Shenzhen, China at Yellow Music Studio. I won't pretend like I'm hip and cool...I had never heard of him before 2 days ago. But I went for something to do and because I heard he's one of the top djs in the world. And it was free...hard to believe huh?

I'm not sure why Shenzhen attracts these big time electronic djs. Most of the electronic music in town is about the worst crap ever...the kind that will give you a splitting headache in about 3 minutes. Maybe there's a market, but if there is I haven't noticed.

I am pretty picky about my music. Generally I am strictly r&b, rap and hip hop. But I had a great time. The energy, the flow. It was really artistry the way that he mixed everything together, and I liked how obviously into it he was even though he has probably been doing it for 20 years.

The strange thing was the crowd. Chinese people are, in general, followers. I think that was why a lot of them were there...playing dice games. So they could say they were there if the topic comes up and they can look hip. Some people were so into it and I loved to watch them. Paul Oakenfold looked like we all do at first...sort of like "this is lame but I'll get into it since I'm here." Anyway, that was my impression.

I'm happy I expanded my mind to something new that I liked. Thanks, Paul.

2005-06-23T12:02:00.000+08:00

The rain won't stop!!! I used to love it,and now I'm just drowning in it. Yuck.

Culture and Love

2005-06-23T11:46:00.000+08:00

I think the hardest thing to deal with from my boyfriend is the cultural differences. They're not obvious at all. When you first meet someone, these things are not even on the horizon. They don't pop up until you're already involved and it's harder to get out of the whole thing. Not that I want to get out...but these are the surprises that come up a little later. Sometimes pretty, mostly not.

Surprise 1: Physical affection. His culture is very physically affectionate with everyone except the ones that are ACTUALLY TOGETHER. It's more taboo to show affection to someone that you are actually involved with, while showing affection to everyone else is perfectly okay. I see it with him and all of his friends, and it's just so weird. It also took a lot of power at first not to run over and kick his ass when I saw him holding hands with other women. But then I realized...his friends hold hands, hug, and put their arms around me all the time while they barely touch their own girlfriends. Then I got it, and accepted it. Now it's okay.

Surprise 2: Phone calls. His country has 10,000 phones and 6,000,000 people. So, it's not a big deal for people to check in with eachother frequently. I think that we should be speaking daily, at least. Of course, I think this may also have to do with the cultural difference between men and women.

Surprise 3: Comments on looks. For him it's okay to comment on my body getting bigger or smaller, say if things are bad or good. We all know what happens in America if people say stuff like that...it's just plain rude. But in Sierra Leone (and China for that matter) they just think of it as stating fact.

Surprise 4 (probably the strangest): Discussing relationship details. It is perfectly acceptable, and expected, for you to discuss personal relationship details with friends and family of the other person. They ask personal questions, ask what our intentions are, and if we're fighting they want us to tell all so they can help. Also, a lot of problems are worked out by a third party intermediary that one of us knows that gives us an outside perspective of what's going on with the other person and between the two of us. At first I couldn't really handle it, and just kept my mouth shut. Now I kind of like it though, because sometimes it's a lot easier to hear something from someone you're not as intimately involved with, and it's nice when someone can be on my side and talk him into something too.

Surprise 5: War mentality. I don't think this is cultural, I think instead that anyone who lives through a 10 year civil war within their country would be this way. But he says exactly what he thinks, no holds barred. That is, once he decides he needs to say it. Otherwise he just sits back and sees what you'll do... but he's definitely not the type to wait to make his move. First date, he says, "I just love you." 6 months later, he's ready to get married. It's nice to always know where I stand. And when he says the sweet things he's thinking about me in that moment, well, there's nothing better than that. I wonder the things he's seen that he'll never tell me, though, and that makes me worry for him.

Surprise 6: Language. He speaks 4 tribal languages, Creole, and English. I love love love to listen, and I really love to hear his accent in English too. Although sometimes I have no idea what he just said. Oh well...

2005-06-23T07:09:00.000+08:00

I finally got in contact with my MIA boyfriend. He has apparently been trying to call with no luck, which is pretty common on my phone.

It was interesting to hear what life is like in Sierra Leone. No hot water, few phones, no reliable Internet connections. It sounds like it's actually a higher standard of living here in China, which was hard to believe. Calling from China to SL is nearly impossible...no calling cards, direct line calls only. It cost me 10 RMB per minute...Yikes. That's over 1 US Dollar.

But it was just what I needed. I finally got a lot of the tears out that were still stuck. He's not even coming back until August, which was pretty much what pushed me over the edge. He just doesn't understand the real need I have to go home and see people who love me, or the need I have to stop teaching and move on with my life, or the fact that I am basically alone here. Instead of travelling, he said, I should stay and just wait for him to come back so we can be together. I should keep my apartment and wait to go back home until September. But I just can't do it. I need to see what I want to see and then get the hell out of here, because even if I stay I'm not going to be happy waiting around for him to come back all day long.

I wish things could just be easier.

2005-06-22T07:17:00.000+08:00

Why can't ex boyfriends stay in the past like they're supposed to? It's always the ones who "never want to see you again" that crawl back too. Do these guys really think I fall for that kind of shit? Did they know me at all during our relationship? And if they must return, why can't it at least be the ones you want to come back?

That is all. Thank you.

When you're feeling kind of funny....

2005-06-22T07:09:00.000+08:00

I did a voice recording job last night, where we recorded the "conversation" and "listening" sections of a textbook made for Chinese people to learn English. We did it straight through...600 RMB per book, and it took about 3 hours. Not too bad I think.

Both me and M,who I was working with, were starting to get tired around 11:30. This was the exact time when we got to the "See the Doctor" section of the book. Most of it was pretty benign...that is, until we got to this line:

I have diarrhea.

Neither of us could regain our composure for the next 5 minutes. Everytime I tried to move on, I erupted in a fit of giggles. We had to repeat it, first me, then him. The lines were:

C: I have diarrhea.
M: I have diarrhea.
C. I am dizzy and I have diarrhea.
M: I am dizzy and I have diarrhea.

The Chinese people didn't really get it. To them, admitting all that is no big deal. To us, that's awfully personal. We made it though. But now, I am exhausted.

Hell's Belle Strikes Again

2005-06-21T07:17:00.000+08:00

I have several raging bitch moments, particularly while living in China. Normally I am fully capable of maintaining my cool, but there's something about this country...I think it's the following factors that make it difficult:

1. I can't read anything
2. I can understand little if anything people around me are saying
3. I always feel like somebody's trying to screw me and they probably are

Last night my real estate lady called and said I owed 800 RMB on my utilities. I know that I may owe 400, but 800 is out of the question and absolutely ridiculous. Yes, I did yell. Luckily she can barely understand English. Not to mention the fact that she called me AFTER I had already gone to sleep. Then she told me not to be angry, which is pretty much the worst thing you could say to me in that situation because it makes me that much angrier.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I felt like I needed to cry but I couldn't. Well, I cried right then. Not the pretty one tear falling down your cheek but the dirty messy screaming sobbing cry. I laid in bed, awake, for hours before finally being able to fall asleep.

I'm going through one of those times in a foreign country when everything seems to be closing in. Nothing is going right, everything is going so wrong. Money isn't going as far as it seems like it should, I'm frustrated at work, I can't seem to plan anything...it's just hard right now.

I woke up early in the morning and pulled out all my receipts. I can't really tell if the 800 is right or not (see #1)but it just doesn't make sense logically. Maybe I am using a lot more utilities than I expected? Who knows...but I need someone to rescue me right now.