Friday, January 31, 2003
I definitely feel like my creativity is all gone. I need this day off (Saturday) so badly, in order to just feel like myself again. I feel a little knotty inside, a little empty, and I need a LOT of fun! Time to get a move on...
Thursday, January 30, 2003
I am happy the sun actually starts to come up (slightly) before my alarm goes off. YAY!!! That little bit of light makes all the difference, even if it is just a ray or two. It's a marathon day...
Let my love open the door...(the Pete Townsend song always makes you happy...)
Now, I have a decidedly bad attitude toward love. I see couples and I know I would never want to be like that, getting lost in eachother, bringing out the worst in eachother, having one person dominate..the list goes on and on... But I'm also feeling somewhat needy at this particular moment. I was realizing today that my words seem to be dried up today, and I think I know why. Well, first of all I'm drained. Second of all, I've let somebody in. I let him in a long time ago. We're approaching the 1 year anniversary of our break up, but we're still there for eachother. If I was ever incarcerated for any unjust reason (most likely public drunkeness) he would be the first person I called. And he would bail me out with the cash he keeps stashed under his mattress( I think that's where it is). Even at 4 am. If he got arrested for any unjust reason (probably public indecency) I would pick his ass up off that cell block as soon as I could get there. And I wouldn't even ask.
So, I've let him in. He's drifted in and out of my life for awhile. We tell each other the truth. The truth right now is that it sometimes feels like something is missing when he doesn't come around. He makes me drinks and we are real together. There's no bullshit and no pretense. He likes me without my makeup and even if I've gained weight, and even with my emotionality and complexities. I like him even though he's balding and he's got the beginnings of a carpet of back hair, and I can even recognize his hidden emotionality and complexities and like them too. We talk about everything, and laugh, cry, dance... Holding back from the things I really want are sometimes the hardest...
I made a new mix, named it Easy Listening and later rethunk it to Cheesy Listening, but it makes me happy. The only problem is that whenever I make a mix, I want it to have about 100 songs on it, but my cd only fits 74 minutes. Anyway: The Tracks:
1. Delirium, featuring Sarah McLaughlin "Silence"
2. Bob Dylan "Shooting Star"
3. Cars "Let's Go"
4. Chicago "I just died in your arms tonight"
5. More Than A Woman (except this one isn't what I thought it was, but it's still freakin good...not the Bee Gees, I'm not sure where it came from..it goes "I wish I Didn't miss you anymore")
6. Sheryl Crow "Home"
7. SOS Band "Don't Stop the Music"
8. Bill Whithers "Ain't No Sunshine"
9. Chicago "Hard to Say I'm Sorry"
10. Third Eye Blind " How's it Gonna Be"
11. George Michael "Freedom"
12. Human League "I'm Only Human"
13. Chicago "Will you Still Love me"
14. Pete Townsend "Let my love open the door"
15. SOS Band "Just be Good to Me"
16. Lit "Happy int he Meantime"
17. Bob Dylan, Wonder Boys soundtrack "Things have Changed"
Now, I have a decidedly bad attitude toward love. I see couples and I know I would never want to be like that, getting lost in eachother, bringing out the worst in eachother, having one person dominate..the list goes on and on... But I'm also feeling somewhat needy at this particular moment. I was realizing today that my words seem to be dried up today, and I think I know why. Well, first of all I'm drained. Second of all, I've let somebody in. I let him in a long time ago. We're approaching the 1 year anniversary of our break up, but we're still there for eachother. If I was ever incarcerated for any unjust reason (most likely public drunkeness) he would be the first person I called. And he would bail me out with the cash he keeps stashed under his mattress( I think that's where it is). Even at 4 am. If he got arrested for any unjust reason (probably public indecency) I would pick his ass up off that cell block as soon as I could get there. And I wouldn't even ask.
So, I've let him in. He's drifted in and out of my life for awhile. We tell each other the truth. The truth right now is that it sometimes feels like something is missing when he doesn't come around. He makes me drinks and we are real together. There's no bullshit and no pretense. He likes me without my makeup and even if I've gained weight, and even with my emotionality and complexities. I like him even though he's balding and he's got the beginnings of a carpet of back hair, and I can even recognize his hidden emotionality and complexities and like them too. We talk about everything, and laugh, cry, dance... Holding back from the things I really want are sometimes the hardest...
I made a new mix, named it Easy Listening and later rethunk it to Cheesy Listening, but it makes me happy. The only problem is that whenever I make a mix, I want it to have about 100 songs on it, but my cd only fits 74 minutes. Anyway: The Tracks:
1. Delirium, featuring Sarah McLaughlin "Silence"
2. Bob Dylan "Shooting Star"
3. Cars "Let's Go"
4. Chicago "I just died in your arms tonight"
5. More Than A Woman (except this one isn't what I thought it was, but it's still freakin good...not the Bee Gees, I'm not sure where it came from..it goes "I wish I Didn't miss you anymore")
6. Sheryl Crow "Home"
7. SOS Band "Don't Stop the Music"
8. Bill Whithers "Ain't No Sunshine"
9. Chicago "Hard to Say I'm Sorry"
10. Third Eye Blind " How's it Gonna Be"
11. George Michael "Freedom"
12. Human League "I'm Only Human"
13. Chicago "Will you Still Love me"
14. Pete Townsend "Let my love open the door"
15. SOS Band "Just be Good to Me"
16. Lit "Happy int he Meantime"
17. Bob Dylan, Wonder Boys soundtrack "Things have Changed"
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
It's funny to me that sometimes, work is just what I need.
I feel tremendous gratitude to those who listen and let me be who I am. Thank you, to those of you that fall into that category and are reading this.
I feel tremendous gratitude to those who listen and let me be who I am. Thank you, to those of you that fall into that category and are reading this.
I feel so disillusioned about school right now. I get frustrated being stuck in the halls of business, where everyone seems the same: shallow, self consumed, with a narrow vision of life and the world. Even the professors often seem so one dimensional, with finance or marketing or information systems as creatures consuming their entire lives, and burping them up to help the demon breed. The hardness I see in some of the other student's faces isn't what should be...as we take steps into the world, shouldn't it be with innocence and hope? Instead I see expectation of life served on a titanium platter, just like they were given their Porsches and Fendi bags.
I can't say I grew up underpriviliged...in fact, I have been more than lucky. But I've also had the time and space to learn the hard lessons about working hard, the incredible feeling of accomplishment, and how it looks on the other side. In fact, I've sought out these experiences. Even after the hard lessons I can look at the world with hope and innocence. I can have respect for other people and for myself.
Minutes of Today's Group Meeting...[the abridged version]
Me: "I really feel like we need to start focusing on the big picture here. We have several large assignments coming up, and in addition our preliminary business plan is due in about 3 weeks. I feel like we really need to start looking ahead and getting into the research."
Another team member: "So?"
What I wanted to say: So, you fucking idiot, if we don't start getting shit done we're going to fail. Pull your head out of your ass and start looking around because if you don't, you're going to be dead weight on this team you fuckwit. So, so suck your toe, all the way to Mexico....
What I actually said, after a brief pause in which I looked at him incredulously: "So, I think we need to start getting down to the things that need to get done....." and the discussion went on in the team.
Not only did it feel awful, it cemented my feelings of not really feeling acknowledged or respected on the team. And it made me very, very, very angry. I'll have to bring it up with him tomorrow, because stuff like this can't be going down constantly. I haven't had a day off for almost 3 weeks, and something like that may just push me over the edge....not psycho stuff, but definitely bitching a couple folks out. Damn teams...
I can't say I grew up underpriviliged...in fact, I have been more than lucky. But I've also had the time and space to learn the hard lessons about working hard, the incredible feeling of accomplishment, and how it looks on the other side. In fact, I've sought out these experiences. Even after the hard lessons I can look at the world with hope and innocence. I can have respect for other people and for myself.
Minutes of Today's Group Meeting...[the abridged version]
Me: "I really feel like we need to start focusing on the big picture here. We have several large assignments coming up, and in addition our preliminary business plan is due in about 3 weeks. I feel like we really need to start looking ahead and getting into the research."
Another team member: "So?"
What I wanted to say: So, you fucking idiot, if we don't start getting shit done we're going to fail. Pull your head out of your ass and start looking around because if you don't, you're going to be dead weight on this team you fuckwit. So, so suck your toe, all the way to Mexico....
What I actually said, after a brief pause in which I looked at him incredulously: "So, I think we need to start getting down to the things that need to get done....." and the discussion went on in the team.
Not only did it feel awful, it cemented my feelings of not really feeling acknowledged or respected on the team. And it made me very, very, very angry. I'll have to bring it up with him tomorrow, because stuff like this can't be going down constantly. I haven't had a day off for almost 3 weeks, and something like that may just push me over the edge....not psycho stuff, but definitely bitching a couple folks out. Damn teams...
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Ah, to finally wake up and feel all right!...
You know, as the State of the Union looms present, I have an idea about foreign policy. Is it so hard to believe that we could actually treat other nations with the respect that they are forced to treat us with? It seems like all we, as the United States, does is push other people around, but imagine if another nation did that to us, how outraged we would all be. I remember in one of my classes on negotiations, there was a quote, "Everyone is your superior in some way," about treating everyone with respect. Would it be so hard to apply that in a worldly manner? Having respect for all would address all of their humanity and need for respect, and not doing so is essentially just pissing everyone off. I think all of us need to think about how we would feel if we were approached in the same way. The Golden Rule, George W.
~CoCo, the Political Marauder....
You know, as the State of the Union looms present, I have an idea about foreign policy. Is it so hard to believe that we could actually treat other nations with the respect that they are forced to treat us with? It seems like all we, as the United States, does is push other people around, but imagine if another nation did that to us, how outraged we would all be. I remember in one of my classes on negotiations, there was a quote, "Everyone is your superior in some way," about treating everyone with respect. Would it be so hard to apply that in a worldly manner? Having respect for all would address all of their humanity and need for respect, and not doing so is essentially just pissing everyone off. I think all of us need to think about how we would feel if we were approached in the same way. The Golden Rule, George W.
~CoCo, the Political Marauder....
Sometimes I think I have gut-wrenching feelings about different aspects of my life just to avoid schoolwork...but I keep on truckin'... Maybe more later. Maybe it's Valentine's Day coming to haunt me early this year.
Thank god for eucalyptus steam rooms and sudafed...I'm feeling like the ballsy, strong, amazing woman I know I can be. Sometimes, I just have the realization that damn, I do a lot, and damn, am I good at it. It's kind of nice to have a moment to marvel at how wonderful I am. Doesn't happen very often... It's not easy for me to connect to feeling great about myself a lot of the time, but it's something I'm working on. Taking care of myself is another thing I'm working on. I think it's a lifelong process for most people, to really be good to them selves.
Having a good self image is something to cherish as Valentine's Day (the most sadistic day of the year for us singletons) approaches...
Having a good self image is something to cherish as Valentine's Day (the most sadistic day of the year for us singletons) approaches...
Sunday, January 26, 2003
Is the room spinning?
I saw Confessions of a Dangerous Mind yesterday afternoon, and I LOVED IT. It was edgy, real, connected me to all the characters even though they're acting "despicably" (I'm really into these quotes today). It hooks you in to the humanity in all of us, how we all have the feeling something's missing sometimes, and sometimes we'll do anything to fill that space and feel valuable, special, not an island in a world full of continents. Jumping away from the tricks people pull on us, being smarter than them, and sometimes being delusional. So, do you think Chuck Barris, creator of the Gong Show, the Dating Game, and the Newlywed Game, was really a CIA agent? Hmmm...
I saw Confessions of a Dangerous Mind yesterday afternoon, and I LOVED IT. It was edgy, real, connected me to all the characters even though they're acting "despicably" (I'm really into these quotes today). It hooks you in to the humanity in all of us, how we all have the feeling something's missing sometimes, and sometimes we'll do anything to fill that space and feel valuable, special, not an island in a world full of continents. Jumping away from the tricks people pull on us, being smarter than them, and sometimes being delusional. So, do you think Chuck Barris, creator of the Gong Show, the Dating Game, and the Newlywed Game, was really a CIA agent? Hmmm...
My face hurts. I feel kind of like I have a gigantic pillow around my head, suffocating me and making my sinuses feel like they are collapsing. I've been going back and forth about actually getting to work today, but not only do they REALLY need me, considering it's Superbowl Sunday and all, and our game is sold out. And Thank God for Dayquil! I've been medicating myself for a few days now, but it hit me last night hardcore. I'm afraid I haven't had enough rest but I also don't want to slow down for fear I'll never pick it back up, and I can't be a wimp right now. I actually had a dream that I had joined the National Guard and they called me to ship out and I was pretty much having a panic attack about it. I also had a really funky sex dream that I will choose not to share because even though I like to be real in my blog, I think everyone needs to maintain some kind of mystery. And this dream was pervy...Extremely perverse! And I had a dream about a chihuahua...it was seperate from the sex dream. It wasn't THAT pervy. :)
I would like to pull your attention to the new link I've added to my friend Ann's blog...killbabykill.blogspot.com. Judging from the first entry, I can see a great blog is a-brewin'!!! Rock on, keep on being real, and write it all down Ann!!!
Saturday, January 25, 2003
Blue 
You are blue. You are somewhat innocent, in the fact that your genius only extends to the physical world. You have a false sense of contentness. You are usually the quiet one, the genius. Everyone can count on you to help when they have problems, but you only fall short of being able to solve your own.
What inner color are you?
Oh what a night..
Even though I have mounds of school work to do, I don't believe that I will do any of it today. Not only have I not had a day off since I've been back to Boston, I am also apparently incapable of determining my own limits. A drink with a friend from work turned into a close-the-place-down, dance all night party even though I feel like crap and I really needed that extra sleep. DUH! I think, though, that I just needed to have some fun after being cranky and irritable all night long. Actually, probably more over the last couple of days :). I was ready to go by about 1, but the trains already stopped running by then. And now, I just want to go shopping and to the movies. Equally bad. It can't be good when burnout sets in 2 weeks into a semester. My skin is also flaky and disgusting from this awful cold air.
I think it's the January Blahs. It happens every year, and not only to me. January is boring because it's after the holidays, so there's nothing much to look forward to. It's still cold, so you can't go outside much. Spring won't come here until AT LEAST April, if not later. And even spring break is more than a month away!! Blah, blah, blah... If only I was rich, I would go to Tahiti for the weekend, but for now I'll have to settle for an escape into movie-land. And maybe a chair massage.
PS I thought of the ideal product: a fancy drink glass, like a martini glass, that won't dump your drink all over you or someone else if some really bad dancer smacks into you... I think it's a million dollar idea!
Even though I have mounds of school work to do, I don't believe that I will do any of it today. Not only have I not had a day off since I've been back to Boston, I am also apparently incapable of determining my own limits. A drink with a friend from work turned into a close-the-place-down, dance all night party even though I feel like crap and I really needed that extra sleep. DUH! I think, though, that I just needed to have some fun after being cranky and irritable all night long. Actually, probably more over the last couple of days :). I was ready to go by about 1, but the trains already stopped running by then. And now, I just want to go shopping and to the movies. Equally bad. It can't be good when burnout sets in 2 weeks into a semester. My skin is also flaky and disgusting from this awful cold air.
I think it's the January Blahs. It happens every year, and not only to me. January is boring because it's after the holidays, so there's nothing much to look forward to. It's still cold, so you can't go outside much. Spring won't come here until AT LEAST April, if not later. And even spring break is more than a month away!! Blah, blah, blah... If only I was rich, I would go to Tahiti for the weekend, but for now I'll have to settle for an escape into movie-land. And maybe a chair massage.
PS I thought of the ideal product: a fancy drink glass, like a martini glass, that won't dump your drink all over you or someone else if some really bad dancer smacks into you... I think it's a million dollar idea!
Friday, January 24, 2003
It's sad when your newscasters are excited that it might hit 20 today...
Can't wait for the weekend...Is it Saturday yet?
Can't wait for the weekend...Is it Saturday yet?
Tonight I decided I would soothe my aching throat and my poor abused body with a 2 scoop sundae. They recently installed a Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins on the next block over, would may be the most dangerous combination of retail outlet known to man. Not only that, but these things seem to follow me...at my old place, a Dunkin/Baskin combo was installed within 6 months. Could it be that I single handedly support their business, therefore they place their outlets everywhere I live for extended periods of time? It's possible...
Anyway, my favorite flavor of ice cream EVER is a Valentine's flavor (go figure, I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day) and it's called Love Potion 31. It's YUMMY! So, I was chatting it up with the scoop boy (I've gotten to know him after our long orders together) and I was telling him how happy I was that Love Potion was back. He asked me if it was for my boyfriend, and I said "No way, it's all for me." Then he put 2 spoons in my bag.
Am I really so pathetic that the scoop boy at Baskin Robbins is wishfully thinking that someone might help me finish my sundae? Does he pray that the love potion will work for me, even though it's going straight to my ass? Is it possible to form an unhealthy attachment to an ice cream? I need BR Anonymous...
Anyway, my favorite flavor of ice cream EVER is a Valentine's flavor (go figure, I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day) and it's called Love Potion 31. It's YUMMY! So, I was chatting it up with the scoop boy (I've gotten to know him after our long orders together) and I was telling him how happy I was that Love Potion was back. He asked me if it was for my boyfriend, and I said "No way, it's all for me." Then he put 2 spoons in my bag.
Am I really so pathetic that the scoop boy at Baskin Robbins is wishfully thinking that someone might help me finish my sundae? Does he pray that the love potion will work for me, even though it's going straight to my ass? Is it possible to form an unhealthy attachment to an ice cream? I need BR Anonymous...
http://www.blissfullybitter.com/
http://simplicityandchaos.net/
Tired out with 3 hours to kill...what to do, what to do..
Luckily, our product idea got approved, my throat has calmed into a silent tickle, and I've got a dinner invite for tonight, although I don't know if I will want to go anywhere by then. It is toooooo cold! I was considering more just laying in bed like a giant slug in my biggest, most grandma-ish pajamas, drinking a diet Coke, maybe eating some candy or my leftover cannoli that I just can't seem to get through, watching "Must See TV" with the rest of the nation. Having a blank look probably.
I was pretty impressed with my group's presenting skills today. All of us really kept our cool, seemed like we had good projection, remembered everything we wanted to say, all that good presentation stuff. The only thing was that we forgot to print out copies of our slides for the professors. It wasn't on the assignment sheet. So we didn't do it. Yet again, the professors had to make us feel 3 years old. I get so irritated with that kind of thing. Yes, we made a mistake. Yes, we should have printed the slides. Yes, we're all over 20. And yes, we take responsibility for our actions. The bullshitty power trips get to me. "HA HA HA," they laugh evilly. "We are in control and you have to deal with it!!! We will boss you around like we're your parents!!!" That got old at the beginning of high school. Maybe some people need it, but I don't.
Only 2 and 3/8 semesters to go before my boss can treat me like a child...
Luckily, our product idea got approved, my throat has calmed into a silent tickle, and I've got a dinner invite for tonight, although I don't know if I will want to go anywhere by then. It is toooooo cold! I was considering more just laying in bed like a giant slug in my biggest, most grandma-ish pajamas, drinking a diet Coke, maybe eating some candy or my leftover cannoli that I just can't seem to get through, watching "Must See TV" with the rest of the nation. Having a blank look probably.
I was pretty impressed with my group's presenting skills today. All of us really kept our cool, seemed like we had good projection, remembered everything we wanted to say, all that good presentation stuff. The only thing was that we forgot to print out copies of our slides for the professors. It wasn't on the assignment sheet. So we didn't do it. Yet again, the professors had to make us feel 3 years old. I get so irritated with that kind of thing. Yes, we made a mistake. Yes, we should have printed the slides. Yes, we're all over 20. And yes, we take responsibility for our actions. The bullshitty power trips get to me. "HA HA HA," they laugh evilly. "We are in control and you have to deal with it!!! We will boss you around like we're your parents!!!" That got old at the beginning of high school. Maybe some people need it, but I don't.
Only 2 and 3/8 semesters to go before my boss can treat me like a child...
Thursday, January 23, 2003
Buenos dias.
It is freezing. My throat is raw after trying to breathe in the below 0 temps. Today, we have our first workshop, which is a time we present ideas to the class. We are covering our new product ideas and getting approval or disproval on them.
I had a dream last night that one corner of my room caught on fire, and I put it out with a fire extinguisher, but that corner was still pretty messed up. Then, I had a dream I was trying to get my haircut and to make an appointment I had to pay $2 just to put my name on the list, and I was like "I don't think so." THEN, I had a dream that I was pushing a large screened tv around a store with my friend Ann. We were moving it up stairs, down stairs, into secret compartments.
I'm tired out but grateful that I don't have to work tonight, that I'll have some time for me. I need sleep!
It is freezing. My throat is raw after trying to breathe in the below 0 temps. Today, we have our first workshop, which is a time we present ideas to the class. We are covering our new product ideas and getting approval or disproval on them.
I had a dream last night that one corner of my room caught on fire, and I put it out with a fire extinguisher, but that corner was still pretty messed up. Then, I had a dream I was trying to get my haircut and to make an appointment I had to pay $2 just to put my name on the list, and I was like "I don't think so." THEN, I had a dream that I was pushing a large screened tv around a store with my friend Ann. We were moving it up stairs, down stairs, into secret compartments.
I'm tired out but grateful that I don't have to work tonight, that I'll have some time for me. I need sleep!
In addition to my "like" tirade, I would also like to add that I am 22 years old and I believe I have learned, through experience, when I need to go to the bathroom. Please do not tell me I can't go because you're the professor. I pay your salary, I am here by choice, and if I've got to pee I'VE GOT TO PEE NOW! Thank you. I will continue my non-violent protests of bathroom rules by continuing to leave class when I need to!
So like, when you're like, talking in class and like, you can't like, think, you know, you start to like, stop like, putting real words in and like, just start saying like A LOT!!! Does anyone of the ages of like, 16-21 ever like, realize how like, stupid they sound? And like, how hard is it to like, just pause instead. Like, QUIT IT BECAUSE YOU'RE ANNOYING ME!!!! I would love to hear people my age talking intelligently instead of having truly valid ideas but ruining them with LIKE!
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Ahh, a full, glorious night of sleep, with dreams of Coco Mademoiselle by Chanel...
It's so bitter outside, and there's something in my heart that wants to get out but won't come out on the page. It's stuck in this box, maybe it will flow soon.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
Sometimes friendships aren't good for you anymore and you need to take some time for yourself and move on. I had to make that difficult decision over the last few weeks, and finally the discussion was had. I feel like the most unfortunate thing was that my friend wasn't even willing to listen to my reasons, but this has not been uncommon for quite some time. She instead seems to think that the reason I had to say what I said was in some way to try to ruin her life, backstab her, but instead I knew that she could move on as well, or else I probably would have sacrificed myself to stay there and have a relationship that I have long felt is one-sided, where I am the listener and she is the talker. It's a role I took on myself, but it stopped paying off awhile ago. Although difficult to admit, even to ourselves, we all do things for selfish reasons, and the most important person in my life is me, and I have to protect that right now. Even when I was talking, anything substantive was kept in, because I didn't want to feel judged, and I wanted to feel acknowledged. I had a temporary feeling of freefall, as the only constant in my life is now gone. But we're moving in different directions, and from all she said to me, perhaps this is in her best interests as well. I felt some frustration that she was feeling so much but never said a damn thing about it, even though I constantly reiterated that I wanted her to be open with me. But that's not my fault. This was me being open with her. I'm sure I'll have more to say later, but this is for now.
Doing the best I can, for me...
Doing the best I can, for me...
Monday, January 20, 2003
Why can't it get WARMER!!!! Looking at the weather report gives me a panic attack!!! January is not a happy month...
Yesterday I had the most wonderful meal. I was excited that my first jaunt to the North End(Italian part of town) was with my friend Ann, and I was thrilled with my eggplant parm. And the cannoli I got for later was also excellent. I love food, very much.
I was walking through the city after work (WWE Royal Rumble...blah!) and everything was so quiet. There was the occasional cab driving by, and the only noise was the "woosh" of the car and the clatter of the occasional overhead train. But, there's always a certain undercurrent of energy, because all the buildings around you are buzzing. To my right was the Fleet Center, filled to the brim with rabid fans, to my front City Hall, to my left people's homes, and behind me the Central Artery and beyond that, the North End. Even when it's quiet, there is so much going on behind closed doors and solid walls. Part of the beauty of the city is that under the quietness there's an energy that can't be duplicated anywhere else. I felt a joy being a part of the quietness but knowing I can be part of the buzz and I usually am. The quiet feels like it is holding you, wrapping you up in it. Quiet is a safety in a sometimes scary place.
I was walking through the city after work (WWE Royal Rumble...blah!) and everything was so quiet. There was the occasional cab driving by, and the only noise was the "woosh" of the car and the clatter of the occasional overhead train. But, there's always a certain undercurrent of energy, because all the buildings around you are buzzing. To my right was the Fleet Center, filled to the brim with rabid fans, to my front City Hall, to my left people's homes, and behind me the Central Artery and beyond that, the North End. Even when it's quiet, there is so much going on behind closed doors and solid walls. Part of the beauty of the city is that under the quietness there's an energy that can't be duplicated anywhere else. I felt a joy being a part of the quietness but knowing I can be part of the buzz and I usually am. The quiet feels like it is holding you, wrapping you up in it. Quiet is a safety in a sometimes scary place.
Sunday, January 19, 2003
I had an odd rememberance earlier, while considering my generational musings. It was in about 4th grade or so, and we had to do a book report on a biography. Most of the kids chose like, Cyndi Lauper or something. I chose Lyndon B. Johnson. And not only did I choose an appropriate age-level book, I chose a 500 page biography with little teeny type. No pictures. I also remember I did some kind of report on the Impressionist painter Claude Monet. And, once, we had to do a report on any sport, and I chose photography. But then they rejected it. I can't remember what my alternative choice was...probably diving or something equally esoteric.
I was talking to my mother about these things. I said I thought I was a weird kid, and maybe I'm still weird. She said no, if I was that freaky she would just say so...I was just thoughtful. But I still wonder what my parents thought when I was 11 and reading "The Grapes of Wrath."
I was talking to my mother about these things. I said I thought I was a weird kid, and maybe I'm still weird. She said no, if I was that freaky she would just say so...I was just thoughtful. But I still wonder what my parents thought when I was 11 and reading "The Grapes of Wrath."
Maybe it's a city thing...
Do you ever see couples out in public and know WAY too much about their sex lives? I always see these men stroking their girlfriend's or wive's arms, or legs, and I always know it translates into "Let's do it later." And then I think "Ewww."
Tonight was a very special example. I was on the T (Bostonian for subway) and we were packed in like sardines, which is typical. Luckily, I happened to find an empty seat, which is extremely fortunate since I was tired out after working. All of a sudden, I hear a slap. I looked around, heard it again. There was a man there, with his girlfriend leaning against him, back to front, and he was slapping her ass right in the middle of the train! Not only twice, but 20 times in four stops!!! I got the nastiest picture of them, in a compromising position...ass slapping is involved. Icky.
It's not even that they were unattractive. But still! Yuck.
Do you ever see couples out in public and know WAY too much about their sex lives? I always see these men stroking their girlfriend's or wive's arms, or legs, and I always know it translates into "Let's do it later." And then I think "Ewww."
Tonight was a very special example. I was on the T (Bostonian for subway) and we were packed in like sardines, which is typical. Luckily, I happened to find an empty seat, which is extremely fortunate since I was tired out after working. All of a sudden, I hear a slap. I looked around, heard it again. There was a man there, with his girlfriend leaning against him, back to front, and he was slapping her ass right in the middle of the train! Not only twice, but 20 times in four stops!!! I got the nastiest picture of them, in a compromising position...ass slapping is involved. Icky.
It's not even that they were unattractive. But still! Yuck.
Saturday, January 18, 2003
I had 2 dreams in which Susan Sarandon was either my mother or my friend's mother. And in one of them, Julia Roberts was her daughter and I was telling her about what was wrong with her. And in the other one, our house got broken into and Ms. Sarandon was injured. I called the police and distracted the attackers until they got there.
I'm not really sure what all that was about, but thank you, Ms. Sarandon, for appearing in my dream.
:)
I'm not really sure what all that was about, but thank you, Ms. Sarandon, for appearing in my dream.
:)
Baby it's cold outside...
All our first round ideas got shot down for our project... HELP ME!!!
Went to see "It's a Guy Thing" tonight, and everyone else was laughing but me. More of a man's movie than a woman's, I'm afraid, but good mindless entertainment.
Sleepy time....
All our first round ideas got shot down for our project... HELP ME!!!
Went to see "It's a Guy Thing" tonight, and everyone else was laughing but me. More of a man's movie than a woman's, I'm afraid, but good mindless entertainment.
Sleepy time....
Friday, January 17, 2003
Does anybody out there have any new product ideas, or aspects of your life that are problematic that no product addresses? That is our task, and although my team has many good ideas, any more are always good!
Finally a lot of sleep...makes me happy!
Finally a lot of sleep...makes me happy!
I have learned 2 things about myself today:
1. I am scared shitless about my future. When things get too specific, I go into a practical panic attack about where I'm going and what I'll be doing when I graduate because frankly, I've got no idea. I see myself going so many places but where to start and what to pick are a complete mystery to me. Sometimes I question whether this management degree will really get me to a place I love. I can't be stuck in an office the rest of my life or be staring at numbers until eternity. More and more my creativity seems to be revealing itself. Trying to deep breathe...
2. I don't fit into my generation. I look around me sometimes and wonder "How did all these idiots end up around me?" I see the way people my age generally relate to eachother, and live their lives, and I just don't get it. It's when I try to fit in that I feel out of my body, out of my element, practically out of my mind. I'm not sure where I fit exactly. But it's definitely not here.
1. I am scared shitless about my future. When things get too specific, I go into a practical panic attack about where I'm going and what I'll be doing when I graduate because frankly, I've got no idea. I see myself going so many places but where to start and what to pick are a complete mystery to me. Sometimes I question whether this management degree will really get me to a place I love. I can't be stuck in an office the rest of my life or be staring at numbers until eternity. More and more my creativity seems to be revealing itself. Trying to deep breathe...
2. I don't fit into my generation. I look around me sometimes and wonder "How did all these idiots end up around me?" I see the way people my age generally relate to eachother, and live their lives, and I just don't get it. It's when I try to fit in that I feel out of my body, out of my element, practically out of my mind. I'm not sure where I fit exactly. But it's definitely not here.
Thursday, January 16, 2003
Donuts keep me awake...yum!
A shadow lingers over my bed
And a whirl of cigarette smoke hangs in the air
Pinwheeling around and around
Eternally reminding me that you left it there.
My first instincts, feelings, flying over my glorious Boston skyline was the yearning to feel your arms around me, to pour out all of my experiences over your strong shoulders so you could help carry the burden.
I still can't say no to you. You're stuck as a part of me like I'm stuck as a part of you. But love is a dirty word between us. Both of us bristle at the thought of needing anyone, especially eachother, because we're the same, and equally difficult to be in a relationship with. Independent to a fault, and always in a caliope of our own thoughts.
Yes, I still think of you.
And a whirl of cigarette smoke hangs in the air
Pinwheeling around and around
Eternally reminding me that you left it there.
My first instincts, feelings, flying over my glorious Boston skyline was the yearning to feel your arms around me, to pour out all of my experiences over your strong shoulders so you could help carry the burden.
I still can't say no to you. You're stuck as a part of me like I'm stuck as a part of you. But love is a dirty word between us. Both of us bristle at the thought of needing anyone, especially eachother, because we're the same, and equally difficult to be in a relationship with. Independent to a fault, and always in a caliope of our own thoughts.
Yes, I still think of you.
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
Aye Aye Aye...
I have class at 8 am. Every day. Now, on day 3, getting up at 6:30 and going to sleep by 10:30 somehow does not seem to be getting easier...
I have class at 8 am. Every day. Now, on day 3, getting up at 6:30 and going to sleep by 10:30 somehow does not seem to be getting easier...
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
Today was my first day of Cross Functional Core, and I'm going to do my best not to change this blog into a Core Rant, or All Core All the Time, as I've heard many students of this class do. I really feel like the team I was assigned will be really good, all seem very cool. YAY! It was somewhat of a relief to get through the day, and really get more in depth information about the project. It gave me more peace of mind about the semester. Even though it's going to be a lot of work, I feel like it's going to really pay off in the end. ::Relieved sigh::
Saw the Rolling Stones last night. It was a bit disappointing because first, I had to be at my first day of class today at 8 am, so I only got to see a few songs before I had to be responsible. Then, I've always wanted a t-shirt with the tongue on it, and the little baby tee that I like cost $50!!!! Hot damn!!! I didn't even go there. Maybe I'll get my licks someday...after all, I'm sure the Stones will be touring for at least 30 years more :)) The other thing was, they were the smallest band I've ever seen...not in numbers, but in physical size. Seriously, Mick Jagger was smaller than Cher looked on stage. Kinda weird how someone like that can be such a sex symbol.
I saw The Hours yesterday, and it was a wonderful portrayal of women's depression and how we all try to hide it or deny it in our lives. Some movies come along and you're so enthralled it's like your life on the screen, watching the characters and just being where they are. Decades have passed while women aren't allowed to be unhappy, depressed, or feel what we're feeling, whatever it may be. Criticism usually follows emotions women express, if they're negative, and an easy sedation follows women when they're even or happy. It's about time we evoke reaction! The Hours is a great film...beautifully woven together, fascinating...
Sunday, January 12, 2003
Happy to be home, unhappy to have to go to work... I want more time to bum around!!!
Friday, January 10, 2003
JACQUE DO NOT READ THIS!!!
Seriously girl, stop here...
I spent hours putting together a lovely wedding book for my best friend Jacque. I went through so many pictures, wrote little stories, everything. This morning, I was getting it ready to send and it fell behind my dresser. I pulled the dresser out, and as I did a small bottle of wine fell off the dresser and shattered on the floor. It was slow motion. Then the book started soaking up the wine. I cried. The pages are a little bit stained now, kind of a purpley grey. Only on the bottom, corners and stuff. But at least it smells good.
Seriously girl, stop here...
I spent hours putting together a lovely wedding book for my best friend Jacque. I went through so many pictures, wrote little stories, everything. This morning, I was getting it ready to send and it fell behind my dresser. I pulled the dresser out, and as I did a small bottle of wine fell off the dresser and shattered on the floor. It was slow motion. Then the book started soaking up the wine. I cried. The pages are a little bit stained now, kind of a purpley grey. Only on the bottom, corners and stuff. But at least it smells good.
Almost time to go back home...So much to do, so little time. And all my stuff won't fit in the suitcase!!!
Thursday, January 09, 2003
No sleep...
My whole family has had a cold. Not at the same time, but inch by inch. First my mom, then my friend, then my brother, and on and on. So here I am, sleeping in my beautiful queen size bed that I love with my lavender egyptian cotton 400 count sheets, and it's never ending...my dad gets up at 6 am to go running. My mother gets up soon after and tinkers around in the kitchen. They let the dog out and then she "clip clip clips" down the runner in the hall. To ice the cake, my cat apparently feels ignored by me, so she feels the need to eat plastic (it's loud!) and push things around on my dresser, as well as knocking the water over beside my bed, which I didn't notice at the time but was a real bitch when I stepped out of bed in the morning. So, conditions aren't exactly conducive to sleep, or to trying NOT to get sick.
I also had a dream where I was running all over the world, practically, chasing and being chased. Very restful.
:P
My whole family has had a cold. Not at the same time, but inch by inch. First my mom, then my friend, then my brother, and on and on. So here I am, sleeping in my beautiful queen size bed that I love with my lavender egyptian cotton 400 count sheets, and it's never ending...my dad gets up at 6 am to go running. My mother gets up soon after and tinkers around in the kitchen. They let the dog out and then she "clip clip clips" down the runner in the hall. To ice the cake, my cat apparently feels ignored by me, so she feels the need to eat plastic (it's loud!) and push things around on my dresser, as well as knocking the water over beside my bed, which I didn't notice at the time but was a real bitch when I stepped out of bed in the morning. So, conditions aren't exactly conducive to sleep, or to trying NOT to get sick.
I also had a dream where I was running all over the world, practically, chasing and being chased. Very restful.
:P
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
My Skooll Progect
All righty, here I am, attempting to do my market research: the trends, the hot products, anything that isn't currently in existence. Now, it seems as though if you managed a store, you would know these things. You do, in fact, have to reorder products, do you not? But apparently here, in Tucson, Arizona, people are either completely inept as managers, very simple, or they're just close-mouthed about any information they may have about the things I'm asking. I have heard so many "I don't knows" and it not only floors me, it also is extremely frustrating. Banging my head against a wall is not what I was looking to do on the last leg of my school vacation. Oh well...2 down, one to go!
All righty, here I am, attempting to do my market research: the trends, the hot products, anything that isn't currently in existence. Now, it seems as though if you managed a store, you would know these things. You do, in fact, have to reorder products, do you not? But apparently here, in Tucson, Arizona, people are either completely inept as managers, very simple, or they're just close-mouthed about any information they may have about the things I'm asking. I have heard so many "I don't knows" and it not only floors me, it also is extremely frustrating. Banging my head against a wall is not what I was looking to do on the last leg of my school vacation. Oh well...2 down, one to go!
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
Oh My God!!!!
My blog is actually posting!!! Was my blog a victim of Y2K003????? Hooray!!! This is so exciting!!!!
My blog is actually posting!!! Was my blog a victim of Y2K003????? Hooray!!! This is so exciting!!!!
My trip is winding down to an end even faster than I expected. Whenever I get to the end of something, then I realize how little time I have to get everything done and I feel a little bit pressured, but it will be a good thing. It's good I'm finally in gear to do my assignment. Unfortunately, everywhere I went today was too busy to interview everyone, but I got one done, and I'll try a different time tomorrow. 1 down, 2 to go! I've been emailing myself all the information, so hopefully my internet connection will work once I get home. It makes me nervous.
I went to Target today, and I am so incredibly disappointed that we don't have one nearer to where I live or to the train in Boston. I LOVE that store!!! They have this new brand, Swell, designed by Cynthia Rowley and her friend Irene Rowzengig(or something) and everything they make is incredible. If I won a million dollars, I would go to Target, then Sephora, then on a cruise!!! I had fun there...and I got Shania Twain's new cd for $10.
I've discovered that every family is weird, and mine is no exception. Yesterday was our dog's 13th birthday (that's 91 in dog years..wow), and my dad sang "Happy Birthday dear Snickers...." He also gave her a Beggin' Strip, and I'm surprised there was no candle in it. Just like we sang Happy Birthday to Jesus a few Christmases ago at my Grandmother's house. And we had cake.
I went to Target today, and I am so incredibly disappointed that we don't have one nearer to where I live or to the train in Boston. I LOVE that store!!! They have this new brand, Swell, designed by Cynthia Rowley and her friend Irene Rowzengig(or something) and everything they make is incredible. If I won a million dollars, I would go to Target, then Sephora, then on a cruise!!! I had fun there...and I got Shania Twain's new cd for $10.
I've discovered that every family is weird, and mine is no exception. Yesterday was our dog's 13th birthday (that's 91 in dog years..wow), and my dad sang "Happy Birthday dear Snickers...." He also gave her a Beggin' Strip, and I'm surprised there was no candle in it. Just like we sang Happy Birthday to Jesus a few Christmases ago at my Grandmother's house. And we had cake.
Friday, January 03, 2003
Grade Update:
I am a business genius, and I do not believe it is too lofty a title for my incredible brain!
The Report Card:
Negotiations A-
Statistics B
Managerial accounting B+
Business Law B+
SHAZAMMMMMMM!!!!!!
Well, well, well...
It's kind of sad how some of us avoid school work. (Yes, it is vacation, and yes I do have a pre-assignment for my semester from hell.) Here's the thing...I would rather do almost ANYTHING than actually get started on it. I'll clean my closet, knit for countless hours (my new project), crossword puzzles, clean the kitty litter, WHATEVER!!! Even trying to maintain some kind of excitement about the upcoming gigantic semester long business plan project isn't working all so well. When you would prefer to clean a closet with 22 years worth of accumulated junk rather than interview some half-assed manager of a toy store, then you truly are sick of school!!!!
I am a business genius, and I do not believe it is too lofty a title for my incredible brain!
The Report Card:
Negotiations A-
Statistics B
Managerial accounting B+
Business Law B+
SHAZAMMMMMMM!!!!!!
Well, well, well...
It's kind of sad how some of us avoid school work. (Yes, it is vacation, and yes I do have a pre-assignment for my semester from hell.) Here's the thing...I would rather do almost ANYTHING than actually get started on it. I'll clean my closet, knit for countless hours (my new project), crossword puzzles, clean the kitty litter, WHATEVER!!! Even trying to maintain some kind of excitement about the upcoming gigantic semester long business plan project isn't working all so well. When you would prefer to clean a closet with 22 years worth of accumulated junk rather than interview some half-assed manager of a toy store, then you truly are sick of school!!!!
Thursday, January 02, 2003
Has anybody else noticed that New Year's Eve usually sucks? No matter what your plan, it just doesn't work like you would dream of. Also, the whole no posting thing is really bumming me out. UGH!!! Stupid computers!
Happy New Year
Maybe it's just easy to romaticize a place that you haven't been for so long, but DAMN is Tucson boring. It's hard because I don't really feel at home here anymore, and it's somewhat unfamiliar, not the people or the places I'm used to and I'm in love with. Maybe some people would love the chance of running into a high school friend around every corner, but I pretty much just dread it. I guess I'm not one to reminisce, or romaticize, the past...just past places. Not to mention the fact that most people here just want to get out, and when they find out they have I get a flat "Oh." They're usually intimidated or then retreat into their own world with their own issues, and so I guess I haven't made too many new friends since I've been back.
I've been grappling with a stomach bug and a bit of depression as well. It's hard for me to be in such a slow place when I'm so used to living my life so fully. It brings me down seriously. There also aren't a hell of a lot of choices to keep me busy, and even things I need to get done don't take long enough.
I feel like I've got much more to say but it's not coming right now. Maybe later...
Maybe it's just easy to romaticize a place that you haven't been for so long, but DAMN is Tucson boring. It's hard because I don't really feel at home here anymore, and it's somewhat unfamiliar, not the people or the places I'm used to and I'm in love with. Maybe some people would love the chance of running into a high school friend around every corner, but I pretty much just dread it. I guess I'm not one to reminisce, or romaticize, the past...just past places. Not to mention the fact that most people here just want to get out, and when they find out they have I get a flat "Oh." They're usually intimidated or then retreat into their own world with their own issues, and so I guess I haven't made too many new friends since I've been back.
I've been grappling with a stomach bug and a bit of depression as well. It's hard for me to be in such a slow place when I'm so used to living my life so fully. It brings me down seriously. There also aren't a hell of a lot of choices to keep me busy, and even things I need to get done don't take long enough.
I feel like I've got much more to say but it's not coming right now. Maybe later...
Free Web Counters & Statistics |
